2017

This is long overdue. But despite the reluctance, i've personally enjoyed reading about the different seasons in my life. Especially the highs and the lows, because quite frankly that is all I ever write about. In 2017, I've read some amazing blogs that aspire me to want to start clean. Create a new blog. Start off with a new slate.

Yet, reluctance overtakes me each time and I am personally going to try my best not to cringe so hard while reading my blog posts from high school. But I am also deeply grateful I get to reflect - in the event that my journals all burn up, at least I have this online. With that being said, I am determine to keep my current URL and hopefully will be okay with it in the future.

Now about 2017. Where do I start? What a year. Truly. In my entire lifetime, I experienced the greatest love and the greatest heart break. I accomplished the impossible, yet failed disappointingly. I turned the people I love away and ran after them.

I said a lot and this means I have to be vulnerable. For the last time I was not okay with that. I was not okay with painting a real side of me. Not this smiley, care-free person people know me to be. And yet here I am with my struggles and my victories.

Out of the respect of my audience, and the people in my life, I do not know yet to what extent I should share. But here is a general description about the areas of my life in 2017.

Church - I went home in the summer and attended my home church feeling more out of a place than ever. I could describe it as being worse than a fish out of water. Quite frankly I do not know how else to say this. It affected my relationship with my parents as all I wanted to do was sleep in on Sunday mornings. I would travel home weekly from the state I was interning in and just attempt to meet up with friends during that short period of time. Ideally, that means late Saturday nights. After being exhausted from the week and going out - sleep sounded better than a social obligation to prove my faith. I felt like I had to try so hard to prove to the people in my home church that my heart is to constantly pursue Jesus. More often than not, I feel more judged before even having the chance to open my mouth. Or maybe this is all in my head. But, there are some things that are not just in my head. Take my friends for example. We grew up together in church and attended church camps since I was seven years old. Yet, they treat me like a complete stranger at times. My sister is in the worship team now, and so they know me as her sister, but prior to all of that, they do not even bother to even ask how am I, what am I up to these days, let alone open their mouths to say a simple 'hello'. These instances brought about frustration and resurfaced deep wounds in my heart. More than ever, I felt like my home church has failed to capture the essence of what church should be. Not a hospital where the sick get treated, not a runway where the models get 'judged'. No not any of that, but a place where believers come together and exhort each other, build each other up. Definitely not bring each other down with gossip and drama! Authenticity lies deep with me, and so church at home brought about a deep unrest within me.

Family - As mentioned, things between my parents were on the brink. I was going through a rough time with relationships and friendships. But despite it all, I was never present. I was constantly wishing I was somewhere else. When I was home I wished I was at work, when I was at work I wished I was home, when I was with my friends I wished I was sleeping, when I was sleeping I wished I was hanging out! It was a bad time and I took it all on my parents. I harped on their individual and collective failures. As per usual, I blamed them for all I could. I experienced reverse culture shock like never before, even in my own home. I did not know how to handle it all.

Jesus - My only constant, that I lost. You read it right. I lost my compass. My constant. I gave it all up - gradually as the year goes on. I gave up parts of myself by making compromises, 5 more mins of sleep, let me hang out with my friends/bf instead. In 2017, I was so utterly consumed with my relationship, I did not think of anything or anyone else. He was my first thought in the mornings and my last at night. I would obsess over him in class (thinking of what to eat with him, his exams, his problems etc.). Like that was not enough, I saw him every. single. day. It was worse than a marriage because it was not a marriage. I honestly did not know how to think of it all - knowingly seeing the difference in my relationship with God but not knowing what to do. It was my very first serious relationship and I was heads over heels for this guy. He is amazing, don't get me wrong. He just was not amazing for me. So when we went our separate ways, naturally my life fell apart.

Victories - 2017 became the hardest year of my life because I experienced such deep but opposing feelings towards a human. He literally balanced me out. And when he left, it all became wrong. I struggled in school. I struggled with socializing. It was bad. It was bad enough for me to come back to Jesus. Crazy how He is and will forever be in the eternal pursuit of this fickle hard no matter the choices I made. Despite me being in constant distrust of His plans and purpose for me. At that time, I felt utterly devalued and could not find any worth in anything I did. I lost so much weight and promised myself never to love again - ha, let us just laugh at that! Funny isn't it? How we tend to force relationships - then expect everything to fall into place. What a joke really. But what a lesson to learn, and since when did mere humans dictate God, asking and telling him to make things that were not meant to be, be?

Looking back now, after climbing the toughest mountain yet, I learned to trust again and again. Wow, I also learned so much about forgiveness and grace. How it is so vital to forgive yourself for all the self-hatred, the deep regrets, the disappointments, the blaming. I reached the lowest point in my life, and you know what they say about that? "When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up!"

More reflections to come! But 2017 was a year of love, heartbreak, finding love everywhere else (stop and look around! it is everywhere!!) and returning to my First Love.

2016 post here