our breath back

in the middle of what we thought was the end,

but was really just an expansion,

it was a new beginning

& he's the God that comes close,

he's the God who gets in the dirt,

he's the God that says

"where are your accusers now?"

he dignified every single human emotion.

every single one.

running on empty

Often it takes a crisis, usually a painful one, for people to realize their emptiness. We live in a highly disoriented world that is profoundly confused. We have confused achievements for authenticity. Credentials for credibility. Conceit for confidence. And the applause of men for the approval of God.

When such weary pilgrims stop long enough to examine their unexamined lives, they find that they have been running on empty for too long. So long that chronic fatigue is accepted as a way of life, and chronic busyness as even a status symbol. The vain reasoning is that if an important person is surely a busy person, therefore if I am busy, I must be important. The busier I am, the more important I feel. Through all this, the soul is paradoxically restless and purposeless. Undernourished and empty.

There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than that of a restless and undernourished soul. Many live driven lives, pursuing the trappings of success and forgetting the triumph of significance. As such, there is no greater priority in the redeemed life than that of the nourishing soul.

(Edmund Chan from Nourishing the Soul.)


Finding myself feeling guilty when I have nothing to do - constantly trying to keep up pace with life, finish up assignments due the next week and what nots - and this comes as a reminder. Figured that someone out there, anyone might need this as much as I did.

day #

I totally forgot about blogging, but I have been daily, writing out pages.


here is a snippet from the passion translation, of Psalms 23;
So why would I fear the future?
For I’m being pursued only by
Your goodness and unfailing love!

Day 1

Jesus delights over me.

I've been meaning to set aside time to hear from God, figured a blog post each day I did it would be my own accountability. I really, really am overwhelmed by how much a perfect, holy Father can love imperfection. Often, I tell myself my worth, when Jesus tells me that it's not true; because the way he sees me, surpasses my understanding, beyond all I think I deserve..

He sees me as someone worth fighting for, and his ferocious eternal pursuit of my heart is unceasing.


How did I live doubting otherwise?

everyone needs this:

grateful

Excuse the melodramatic post (the last one) but this one will be on an entirely different tangent.

I gathered all my strength to get on the plane - only to discover the shortest route coming home. I only had one transit home. It made me so happy.

My first week was full of uncertainties till I found out that an old classmate was in the exact same refinery plant as my internship! Somehow, over a span of 24 hours, everything fell into place. I went to my house on Sunday and my roommates were so easy to get along with, and they were totally okay with me hitching a ride every day since they took turns too. The house was, of course, nicer than expected too. Other than not getting sleep the first day, it was easy to adjust and get good sleep.

Also, being in an environment where so many interns are, is also so fun! We had gym days, buka-puasa and movie days. Naan days. We're all in different departments but we still have lunch breaks and what nots together. It is almost like camp tbh. Except we have cars and can pretty much do anything. (Of course, the money we earn is literally nothing.) After work too isn't the worst since i'm in a house with the girls. Not to mention the many people I have come to know. But that's not it. I got materials to study! And there is something about applying what you've studied, and actually doing a conversion that matters!!! The best part is that everyone is so like-minded. All the people speak pretty much the same language.

Gotta also admit I came home feeling, even more, admiration for my superman dad. Who does this (mundane 8-5 work days) day in day out for the family. Comes home on the weekends and still helps cook (he would cook extra nice dishes that I like), clean (I stopped being lazy and cleaned too) and do stuff he doesn't need to. He talks to my boyfriend and helps me pick out shirts for him. He gives me relationship advice. Like: taking me to the bank, spending on me, making sure I get everything I need, he made sure I got this internship - is there anything he hasn't done for me? He helps me see how blessed I am. Even after a week of work he'd rather spend his weekend hanging out and doing stuff than just chilling and lazing around. What a standard. What a man. What a way to live - I'm too much of a brat - he sure raised one very opinionated daughter - but yet seeks to understand. It is not even father's day yet, but this man needs to be celebrated. Every. Day.

Dad is the bomb. Always remember.

torn

current state: in the midst of the mess of packing
worst nightmare: happened twice today - misplaced passport & SSN [found both]
internship snagged: 2, 1, 0

After buying my flight tickets home, I met someone who was really interested in offering me an internship here in Norman. He also said that he had internationals working with them - it was for a software company that programs energy processes. Whoa. And here I am, not even getting a proper reply from PETRONAS. I CAN'T. I am flying home for this opportunity or possible opportunity. I am furious. Seriously, I have been e-mailing this HR person since March 30th, it is May 11th now, one month and 11 days has past and since then I have been running around like a maniac editing and getting the 'proper' documents for her. And she always has minor edits or what nots. The process is tedious and endless. She is not thorough, or the person who 'processes' the report just seriously hates me. Like who does PETRONAS even employ seriously?

But that could be the way of life back home - oh I surely hope not but that may be a norm. What if I'm so used to this system? The way people think here? Because I don't know if I can actually deal with such a backward mentality. Not trying to say I'm better than anyone else - I just believe that everyone should have a level of professionalism that garners enough respect for everyone.

And the funny thing is this, while I was looking for my SSN a friend told me to ask my parents for it. It really hit home. Because I take care of my own documents now. But do you know what is worse though? Packing and leaving. But it gets worse, coming back here after the summer.

I do not know if anyone can feel so torn. but I do. I feel so torn, I do not know where home is anymore. will I ever find it?

Someday, some way, surely I must.