"men should learn how to cry, women have to learn how to say no."

i just wanted to say how much the title speaks. i was discussing some trivial matters with some friends and he taught me that it is perfectly normal to say "no" to something. People are people, and they ultimately will get over things (if they do not then lol, grow up right?).

but oh, to live in a society where we do not learn these things enough.

seriously, no one taught me how to say no in school/college/uni.

honestly, this revelation in itself is quite liberating.

volatile

oil prices are back up again! yay to the market - not sure if I should be upset or happy since gas is so expensive. it is the end of dead week and I've never been so relaxed my whole life. so happy to end junior year with one of the best semesters ever. bear with me here, I have many things on my mind.

known. 

I'm never grateful enough - but today I'm so grateful. the weather is perfect, Norman was safe, the flooding wasn't crazy. above it all, I've never felt so loved my whole life.

I've had people cook for me, ask me if I've eaten (numerous times), made sure that I wasn't hiding whatever was bothering, but most importantly, finding contentment.

I know it is not a big deal, but today I was walking into a study area and my friend who was laying his head on the table and he could literally hear me coming. Like he recognized my footsteps.

insane. To be known like that. Blows my mind to know that the number of hairs on my head are known too. Because I have a father who loves me so! whenever i feel down or upset about my situations - just the thought of knowing that Jesus got me covered. He sees my future. this in itself reassures me. the feeling of being known like that, is surreal. trust me. find a friend who knows your footsteps, then multiply it by a billion.

feels like someone understands you, your simplicity, your complexities, your hopes, your dreams, your disappointments, your capabilities, and your everything. to know that you are known. that in itself allows you to look forward to tomorrow, and tomorrows to come.

wow.

instant gratification.

gosh I don't quite know when to start on this! it's been tugging on my heart for a long time now.  we are so impatient! statistics says that if someone has to wait for 5 minutes on the internet, 90% of users close the tab or move to a different thing. insane right? what is 5 minutes you say?

but what a society we live in that just runs towards momentarily fixes. something that keeps you up for 6 hours. something that numbs the pain. something that lasts for a weekend. temporary. but instant. yet we go back to these temporary fixes - even if it costs our health, money, and is just bad altogether.

why do we settle for temporary fixes? why do we need everything immediately?

we settle for so much less due to our impatience. I cannot deal with a generation that settles for less. people who deserve so much better in life, yet settle for the momentary solution. in the process, they lose themselves, how they value themselves. then their insecurity brings about even more rash decisions that spiral into myriad consequences.

we do not need to lose ourselves, what we value, why we are different for the now. we need to know that the now is not always worthwhile. but how?

how do we slow down. we need to figure this out.

seasons

For the longest time I've been stuck in a season - or unable to differentiate from the seasons I'm in. I've had moments of victory, then I slip back into the fog of mistrust and confusion. Sometimes the cycle lasts longer, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I find myself here.

I've had nothing to do, school wise, all Saturday. Well, I did, but I just refused to study or even clean. Yet -- just the mere fact of not touching a book made me feel horribly guilty. Which I refuse. I need to know how to rest without guilt. But I did not know how.

I know that I find myself here, but most times I doubt why I am experiencing what I go through. If its patience, perseverance, I just really need the strength. Some of my best friends in college have left, or are leaving in less than a month. Yet I am here, stuck with possibly more years of school (If I get into grad school). When these friends leave, I will eventually find myself gawking around finding the right place to feel comfortable, to be myself. To find community all over again, but an authentic, enriching community. People who make me want to be like Jesus every day.

So you see, seasons are hard. First was losing someone so dear to me. Then, having to say some goodbyes. But I will take heart despite it all. In Isaiah 43, Jesus promises to be with me through all seasons. Maybe I won't have the strength, but even when I walk through the fires, I know that He will be with me.

He promised he would.

selah

סֶלָה
"Firm, hard, heavy, like a rock"
"Stop and listen."
"Pause, and think of that."

One of my favourite word in the Bible is not an actual word. Instead, it is a command to pause, to think, to ponder. In a deeper sense, it also calls for the reader to stop reading. I remember hearing about selah in a service once and it struck me, the depth of the word. Hebrew chapter 4 calls for an action to rest. It is quite strange how I have read the chapter countless times, but never really saw it as that till last week in church when we talked about it.

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. (verse 1)

The chapter starts off commanding the reader to not fall short or sin and to enter rest, as promised.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (verse 15)

Then we find a God that is in every way human. I cannot even begin to grasp this concept. But knowing that He is in every way human. To

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (verse 16)

It takes courage. To know a God of holiness, to know that sin is not an option and to approach Him. In all reverence and awe. If I were to be totally honest, rest is so hard to find in times of need. Our first response is to react. To react out of fear and insecurity. Anxiety is often regard as society's most acceptable sin. We often forget that if God is for us, nothing can come against us. Nothing. More often than not, we should learn to step back, to pause, and remember why Jesus knew the importance of selah.

followers of?

Stumbled upon an article about Converts vs. Discipleship and realizing again what this walk really is. Def not a duck walk with little ducklings.

"Jesus doesn’t call everyone to leave everything every day. He calls us to be willing to give up everything at any point.
His call for each of us is different. He has uniquely gifted every person to carry out a unique and valuable function in His kingdom. While what we are called to may be unique, the call is an extreme standard: Jesus must be greater than everything else."

I think I struggle the most with my education. I think sometimes my education reigns above Jesus and who He is to me. I allow it to reign my mind, my worries, my thoughts and sadly, this dictates my life. I do not want to be Damaged Goods, but we are all damaged goods. (Side note: Transformation church has been such a blessing.) Frankly speaking, it is valid. My fears can be rationalized.

But who am I to say that I am entitled to even put what is no.1 above Jesus?

No. I want to live a life that reflects that Jesus is greater than everything else. I want to rise above the waves no matter how tall they may be. I want to remember that I want all of these.

pc: yougov

torn

current state: in the midst of the mess of packing
worst nightmare: happened twice today - misplaced passport & SSN [found both]
internship snagged: 2, 1, 0

After buying my flight tickets home, I met someone who was really interested in offering me an internship here in Norman. He also said that he had internationals working with them - it was for a software company that programs energy processes. Whoa. And here I am, not even getting a proper reply from PETRONAS. I CAN'T. I am flying home for this opportunity or possible opportunity. I am furious. Seriously, I have been e-mailing this HR person since March 30th, it is May 11th now, one month and 11 days has past and since then I have been running around like a maniac editing and getting the 'proper' documents for her. And she always has minor edits or what nots. The process is tedious and endless. She is not thorough, or the person who 'processes' the report just seriously hates me. Like who does PETRONAS even employ seriously?

But that could be the way of life back home - oh I surely hope not but that may be a norm. What if I'm so used to this system? The way people think here? Because I don't know if I can actually deal with such a backward mentality. Not trying to say I'm better than anyone else - I just believe that everyone should have a level of professionalism that garners enough respect for everyone.

And the funny thing is this, while I was looking for my SSN a friend told me to ask my parents for it. It really hit home. Because I take care of my own documents now. But do you know what is worse though? Packing and leaving. But it gets worse, coming back here after the summer.

I do not know if anyone can feel so torn. but I do. I feel so torn, I do not know where home is anymore. will I ever find it?

Someday, some way, surely I must.

Spring 2017

And just like that, the semester is wrapping up. Not a single decent blog post. Of course, it is a Sunday and the sermon just resonates with the season I am currently in. Not a very easy one, but oh man, is there a situation in life that you face, and the Bible does not have an answer for?

I remember these verses when I was running. Running with too many injuries and expectations to perform well. Well, what's changed now right? 

He still remains. Faithful. I'm thankful He never leaves me. Thankful for seasons of learning to build character. Because honestly, I am probably the biggest WIP.

2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.  

3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  

4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  

5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.   

Romans 5:2-5 (NLT)

WIP - Work in Progress

master of none

I spent the week watching the Netflix series 'Master of None' during study breaks. As much as I do not agree with most of the values, I can say that so many of Dev's problem's resonated with me. Not being entirely sure about anything, and choosing to live life to the fullest. He touches on themes like appreciating our parents, finding the value in self, when everything goes awry.

 For some unrelatable reasons watching this made me think about the life I am living. Not specifically in this season, but just in general. And I just think, how many of the relationships and the time I invest in. Would it be reciprocal in what I want? And I know life is fleeting like the grass of the fields, but I hope with all my heart that I live with all I can and make the fleeting moment count. Because honestly, worrying about the future is really not the best way to be spending your energy. And with the many things I face it is so easy to always fall into the trap of worrying, but again and again I find myself being silenced by the mere fact that anxiety really is mistrust in God.

 So with that, Matilda from Roald Dahl's book somewhat sums it up, "Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it's unbelievable...”

Frustration by Graham Cooke

Frustration does not exist in the Kingdom.
It is a device of the world,
a negative construct contrary to
the nature of the Bright One

Frustration is an admission that we
are baffled, checked, blocked  -
neutralized in faith -
by people, circumstances, and opposition.
Frustration legitimized negative emotions,
giving them a place in our experience

Frustration is discontent
opening our hearts to lethargy.
We become irked, resentful, disappointed,
gullible to defeat
Owned by pessimism.

We must learn how to use frustration
and not be used by it.
to be frustrated is to admit
that I do not possess at this moment
the required amount of patience, peace
and joy for the circumstances of my life.

If I focus on frustration,
the core of my attention
is the opposite of Who God is for me.

Frustration is an emotional sign
that I need an upgrade.
It points to an available increase,
raising my awareness of God’s provision.
Therefore, frustration must turn to
celebration of God’s intent.

In the hands of the enemy
it robs me of enthusiasm
It blinds me to all the possibilities
of the One True Spirit.

I become disheartened., looking for
pity, sympathy
Seeking fellow victims of discouragement.
I give permission to be afflicted.
Frustration causes negative fellowship
as I move in the opposite spirit
to Christ within.

In the hands of the Shining One
it points toward fullness
the reality of something more~
greater success unfolding.
Frustration is turned into confession
in one stroke of happy thinking.

Thank you, Father, that frustration
reveals my lack of Your fullness.
It points me to the upgrade available.
It releases your permission to become more.

Patience, peace, and joy abound
constantly in your presence.
Grace follows the upgrade;
love flows more powerfully.

I am renewed, restored, made bigger,
enabled to see from a greater height
of your affection.
Everything must bow
to patience, peace, and joy;
They are heaven’s true reality.

Frustration is earthly, one dimensional
and destructive.
It reduces everything it touches.
It makes us start everything
from a place of deficit.
We struggle to catch up
with God’s reality.
Frustration is reality
from a wrong dimension.

To fight frustration we must turn
our back on it,
Look into the heart of the One
committed to our development,
Trade our sorrow for His joy.
Frustration must turn to celebration.

Patience is the fast track to greater heights
Joy is the welcoming party to Presence
Wisdom releases the focus of heaven
Peace releases the angst,
causing us to smile, be carefree
Contentment with Godliness
….a sure winner.

what a weekend

1. Shot a gun for the first time

2. Met new Malaysians

3. So hopeful for the semester

4. Finished writing my testimony

5. Took an amazing nap

6. Found this youtube vid (below)

Life is pretty good.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggM_L2qnTEE]

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Rom 12:12

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
2 Peter 3:9

pic·tur·esque

"I believe in the moon, the stars. It's that feeling that I'm part of something so much bigger than myself that I will never, ever begin to understand. It's something I can't control, no matter how hard I try. If you can find a way to explain how the moon is so beautiful then I will stop saying my prayers before bed every night."

**

Teenage kids are so well-fed with unrealistic romances these days. Ideally painted picturesque relationships? I am not excluded from that, but kids. The truth is loving is hard, why do you think the world is as it is today? No one is ever willing to prioritise someone else's need anymore. Are we willing to celebrate someone else's success above our own? Even then, how genuine will our happiness for them be?

Yeah.. figured, if it was so easy, the greatest commandment would not be to love others as yourself. Social media, please stop painting unrealistic pictures. Thought Catalogue articles and all the cliche articles you read online... are so.. superficial. 

Thing is, no two person(s) are ever alike. We are created uniquely and we all have indvidual dreams and goals, hence why loving on others can be so very hard - we are all so different and selfish. Yet, if we are all to use the same ruler to measure the love we can give and receive we are not loving enough. So. Teens these days need to know, that love is real, yet love is hard, but Jesus makes it easy. Trying to meet the unrealistically fake standards that cheesy novels have romanticized will probably be the biggest mistake the media can do to new relationships. Be it in a friendship, a family relationship, or a romantic one - love bonds us. But when the perfect definition of love was the biggest sacrifice of mankind, I believe real love cannot be found apart from Him. I just hope I learn how to take that to heart.

Okay, this was a procrastination and I am one discussion away from finishing my class.

Till then.

Fully funded!

HELLO EVERYONE,

Yes you read right! I am officially fully funded for my trip to Germany this July! I am less than 2 weeks away and I would like to take this time to say a quick THANK YOU - for all the prayers for this open door, for financial support and every one of you who believed in me! Updates soon - I will be more than happy to tell you all personally how the trip went when I get home - so stay tuned!

Till then everyone!

ps/ Here is a playlist I found that is just gold. Most of it being songs I grew up with, that was sweet!

**

here is a picture of my cousins - YES! Rami came to my VILLAGE this year!

Elevation sermons are some of the best things in life. I spent the whole, whole day cleaning and trying to lessen the stuff I own. It is crazy how much I hold on to and how everything looks so important. Not surprisingly I am not done, yet here I am. Yay whoop. 

On a better note, I got some pretty good Chilli Pan Mee with the sisters so that was fun!

__

The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work within us.

in God alone

So I have come to the point of the summer where all the grades are up. I am surprisingly amazed at how I did. For some reasons, even thought I didn't ace all my classes my CGPA went up. But the last sentence - the fact that I didn't ace all my subjects just honestly brought me to tears and made me so very sad for some reasons. I didn't know how to cry. After a long, hot, shower, I scrolled on FB and found this. I am undone.

"Our circumstances can easily rule our emotions if we let them. But God doesn’t want us to be at the mercy of our varied life events, or the hopeless perspective we can sometimes have about them. Rather than getting swept up in the whirlwind of daily events, we should become rooted in the solid foundation of God. Practically speaking, this means leaning on God’s character and seeking after His perspective."

Ah Jesus, here I am again.

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” 

― A.W. Tozer

I've asked myself this so many times, what do I think about Jesus? What is the first thing that comes to my mind? And if I were to be honest, I would say distant, or just feel clueless about the whole question. This semester honestly felt so lost. This past year I would say. Jesus felt so distant. For some reasons, I just never experienced him the way I usually do. Some days everything falls into place, some days they don't. Yet, here I am, with another crazy year done and Jesus just leading me into a place where He constantly reminds me of his plans for my life. I can say that the last year has been so difficult for me. I've been discovering so much - about myself, how to function away from home, how to function in leadership, or with friends even. I can say that I have never stopped learning this semester, in every sense.

It may always seem difficult, and at times Jesus may seem so far, but honestly, once I stop looking at the waves that comes crashing in - only then will I be able to have peace and trust that His plans are the very best. So, here's to another excellent semester. Painted out the way Jesus wanted it to be.

“The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work within us. God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which he must work. Only to know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves.” 

― A.W. Tozer

you have taught my feet to dance upon disappointment

of course it is finals week and I am here again. gracing my dusty old blog with my presence.

hello there. I can say for the first time in ages, I have a peace that is rather scary. Let's just say that I am so done trying to worry because I know it will not help me whatsoever, so here is one of my favourite verse and an updated page of my favourite quotes.

20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. 22 This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.”
—Romans 4:20-22


Yes, I just captioned a 'Brave New World'. That album is gold. Okay. All the best!

Grace defined

The beauty of grace is that it awakens us to more and invites us to what lasts.
We come to know Jesus by faith, and through Him we embrace the grace- bought opportunity to use our voices, our gifts, our influence, our job, our suffering, our weakness, and our pain to boast in His goodness.
In our less, He becomes more. and in our more, we know that He is greater still. And the power in it all is that no matter what the journey deals us, we know that no circumstance and no power can keep us from the love of God nor keep us from telling the world about Him.
So life, nor matter how brief, takes on the broad strokes of eternity and, when lived for Him, our days really does end up lasting forever.
In the end, there is nothing to risk, just everything to gain.
-A.W Tozer

Grace defined

The beauty of grace is that it awakens us to more and invites us to what lasts.
We come to know Jesus by faith, and through Him we embrace the grace- bought opportunity to use our voices, our gifts, our influence, our job, our suffering, our weakness, and our pain to boast in His goodness.
In our less, He becomes more. and in our more, we know that He is greater still. And the power in it all is that no matter what the journey deals us, we know that no circumstance and no power can keep us from the love of God nor keep us from telling the world about Him.
So life, nor matter how brief, takes on the broad strokes of eternity and, when lived for Him, our days really does end up lasting forever.
In the end, there is nothing to risk, just everything to gain.
-A.W Tozer

make your pitch!

wow hello again. I am here. I have to be honest, 99% of my posts never turn out to be what I planned to write about. Nevertheless, I post them anyway. so here I am again. and I am trying to figure out how to "make my pitch" for last minute internship applications - before you blame me for the procrastination - it is a weekend and it will not be seen till Sunday evening. so sit tight and read thanks.

so here I am. wow, just feeling so amazed and surprised that everything amounted to this. that everything amounted to a single piece of paper with all your qualifications on it (your résumé). how did we end up to be like this? how did humanity mutually agree that this single piece of paper should determine your career path, or to be more dramatic, your life. a career is no doubt a major life decision because it paves your life. having a career that makes one miserable can definitely make his or her life miserable altogether. so, tell me, how did we resort to this? I have always thought that life, today, is absolutely absurd. we study and work hard for a decade to get into a decent university. then, we slave even harder and pay fees that our parents can never afford. in return, we get a single sheet of paper in hopes of finding a dream job. so honestly, why does it have to be this way?

better yet, why do people who study business end up in engineering companies? why do people who are doctors, give the years of studying to paint? why do lawyers end up making music? so where do I fit in then? will I ever use my major? so many questions, yet I have never felt so demeaned, to have to want to make my pitch in hopes that someone will offer me an internship or better yet a job.

humans, maybe we should rethink what our system is made off. how does a single piece of paper control our lives? in the mean time, since this system has been running the world for a long, long time, I will cease with my absurd rants and live with the system - till I find one that works better.


why all these thoughts? I am so sure, I do not want a job that pays me well. I want to make my pitch, but not to multi million corporate companies who couldn't care more for the world's problems. I want to make my pitch, to this world, and the precious lives it holds. I want to make my pitch to the poor and hungry, the unloved and the ones searching for the real meaning in life.

oh well, I think it is time. to stop procrastinating.

till then.

make your pitch!

wow hello again. I am here. I have to be honest, 99% of my posts never turn out to be what I planned to write about. Nevertheless, I post them anyway. so here I am again. and I am trying to figure out how to "make my pitch" for last minute internship applications - before you blame me for the procrastination - it is a weekend and it will not be seen till Sunday evening. so sit tight and read thanks.

so here I am. wow, just feeling so amazed and surprised that everything amounted to this. that everything amounted to a single piece of paper with all your qualifications on it (your résumé). how did we end up to be like this? how did humanity mutually agree that this single piece of paper should determine your career path, or to be more dramatic, your life. a career is no doubt a major life decision because it paves your life. having a career that makes one miserable can definitely make his or her life miserable altogether. so, tell me, how did we resort to this? I have always thought that life, today, is absolutely absurd. we study and work hard for a decade to get into a decent university. then, we slave even harder and pay fees that our parents can never afford. in return, we get a single sheet of paper in hopes of finding a dream job. so honestly, why does it have to be this way?

better yet, why do people who study business end up in engineering companies? why do people who are doctors, give the years of studying to paint? why do lawyers end up making music? so where do I fit in then? will I ever use my major? so many questions, yet I have never felt so demeaned, to have to want to make my pitch in hopes that someone will offer me an internship or better yet a job.

humans, maybe we should rethink what our system is made off. how does a single piece of paper control our lives? in the mean time, since this system has been running the world for a long, long time, I will cease with my absurd rants and live with the system - till I find one that works better.


why all these thoughts? I am so sure, I do not want a job that pays me well. I want to make my pitch, but not to multi million corporate companies who couldn't care more for the world's problems. I want to make my pitch, to this world, and the precious lives it holds. I want to make my pitch to the poor and hungry, the unloved and the ones searching for the real meaning in life.

oh well, I think it is time. to stop procrastinating.

till then.

Worship night with Bethel, live at OKC

Wow, I honestly did not expect anything from the worship night. But man, God always works in ways you never expect huh? Recently, with the widespread move of the CCM and Christian Concerts, I have often wondered if having (Christian band) concerts make us any different than a normal band's concert. Well, I got my answer tonight. In the second picture, you can see that possibly two cellphones are out - recording and taking pictures. Sitting at the very top, I could see every person with their phones out. Often, I have never counted more than ten. This was such a sweet simple reminder for me. I've been to several non Christian concerts and the whole time, everyone was just trying to get the nicest pictures or videos. Tonight was different, every one was there to worship. Also, the song leaders were intentionally directing all the glory and praise away from themselves.

Personally, Bethel has been a huge encouragement. One thing I love about them is how sincere and pure their songs are. Of course, how intentional every artist in Bethel is about giving the glory and worship to God really makes them so so humble. I was in awe of how amazing their vocals were, every one of them! 

It blows me away.

These power vocals honestly, simply amazing. I would not doubt for a second that if they were in the mainstream music career they would be as amazing as Adele or Taylor Swift. No doubt record labels will be offering them a life of comfort. Yet, they know that they have the biggest contract of all time. No matter how uncomfortable it makes them fee, I bet they know that they are singing to the one who deserves it all. With hindsight of who Jesus means and all He has done for us, they have the ability to look beyond fame and wealth and store up on a different currency. Indeed, they are undoubtedly rich, just not in this this earthly currency, but in the eternal currency.

It still blows me away.

I am blown away at how young people all over the world are so willing to say yes, to Carry The Love, to Worship and to the life  of being a rad Jesus follower. No matter the cause, or the value of contribution. This generation is more connected than ever and this empowers us to reach far and wide, beyond any other generation. This generation is so ready to say YES and go forward, never looking back. To make his name be known.

Wow.

I am still blown away. 

Till then