2019

happy new year!

So excited for all that is to come this year. 2018 was not the best year but it ended on a good note. Started out 2019 with a trip to see my brother and got to spend the best time with people I love.

So thankful for how 2018 played out to be. Laughed with friends every day. Cried and was frustrated. Celebrated successes and despite it all, one thing that never wavered was the goodness of God to me.

alt reality

alternate realities. my time in Cambodia, thus far, has taught me so much. truth be told, the bites, the dusty roads, the heat in the markets were bearable. but i was constantly looking forward to the day we would go home; back to 'reality'.

we can happily skip on a plane and return to a rather 'posh' lifestyle of not having to worry of mosquitos. turning on the ac with a single button. playing the piano anytime. little, significant details like constant electricity.

the Singaporeans (who started the school) can just hop on a plane too. so can anyone 'serving' in the area. back to a reality where comfort is abundant and, familial faces are not scarce. back to where one train ride will take you to a pristinely clean restaurant. back to a place of no dusty roads. no dirt. apart from the ones designed to be in gardens or sandboxes of children.

that is when it dawned on me. this is their reality. the people i have come to know and love. their reality is here. in the center. away from family. yet, this is the better 'alternate reality'. they are not so different you know. some aspire to be singers, engineers, and scientists. their hopes and dreams are real. but their reality remains. and yet, they are considered blessed to be where they are.

while the comparison is an unprecedented intention, a comparison is only fortuitous. heck, it is necessary.

i have too much, but too much to complain too. shameful but true. my level of gratitude for what i have around me, where i was brought up; it entails a higher level of gratitude than the one i have for life right now. that needs to change. i cannot believe it took a trip to Cambodia for me to realize this. but the unraveling nature of life is as such. i guess.


excerpt from a journal entry: june 25th, 2018

KL

police beat base/chick's about to drop dat beat

sails

Falling is easy,

but staying in love is hard

Hard to be honest and keep our heart open

To be who we truly are

Without the excuses, without the façade

There's no pretending

Here in Your love

Oh, Lord set me... free

Oh, Lord set me... free

I'm finally seeing You were here all along

Your love wasn't absent, no It doesn't come or go

The image I've had is starting to fail

You're patient with me

You're lifting the veil

Oh, Lord set me... free (set me free)

I let out the sails of my heart

Here I am, here You are

Sails, Pat Barrett

cambodia 2018

I went to Cambodia again! I have been wanting to return for some time now, but have not done so due to summer internships and what not. This year, Jesus remains faithful and I was able to afford two tickets - one for me and my sister. We stayed for a week in the center in Kampung Speu with the children. Most of those whom I've come to know during my time there are possibly graduating and going off. Other than the nasty insect/mosquito bites (honestly left me so paranoid, exhausted and super grateful for home) we had such a sweet time. We got to name all eight puppies, my favorite is Vanilla. Excuse the grunge, messy look, but the week was so sweet. So many of the kids remembered me and my heart was so full. So glad doors were opened this year.

The pictures below are some of those I found from 2014, and how they look today! What a sweet thing to be able to see them become the young man/woman they are today and to see how much they have grown.

___

Chiky

Pitset

Savadi and Srey Pich

Kakada

Check out my 2014 post and the album that has all the pictures of the kids four years ago.

fall

the thought that she has fallen, fallen, and fallen again and again into a deep abyss;

and despite it all His love for her never wavers.

He still chooses her, picks her up, and holds her,

while He tells her it is all going to be okay.

gently.

because one day, this will all make sense,

she chose to believe that with overwhelming anxiety, His grace still abounds.

she knew that the truth always prevails.

she knew that insecurities were lies.

she knew that she was better than this.

she was made for so much more.


-


it is worth it. to fall, and still come back to where one started.

slowly but surely, she too will get back on her two feet.


-

slowly but surely, she will soar with wings like eagles.

she was made to conquer.

and nothing will stop her.

hate

“I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.” 

― Akira Kurosawa

because that's the way that He is
"what will change, is your ability to receive my love"

one

Isaiah 46:9
Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.

this verse reminds us again and again to remember the past. especially the constant, unchanging nature of an unchanging God. the acme of one's faith is to simply reflect, and remember the faithfulness of a good father. this is the pith, the essence of one's faith, especially during the low, and the humdrums in life. remembrance of the former remediates, rather than exacerbates the constant ungratefulness that is engrained in human nature. doubt and worries linger around us like a constant arch of snideful remarks, reminding us of our worthlessness and incapabilities.

it is then when the former things, the goodness of God, and the miracles that brought one to the present should be glorified.

seasons

For the longest time I've been stuck in a season - or unable to differentiate from the seasons I'm in. I've had moments of victory, then I slip back into the fog of mistrust and confusion. Sometimes the cycle lasts longer, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I find myself here.

I've had nothing to do, school wise, all Saturday. Well, I did, but I just refused to study or even clean. Yet -- just the mere fact of not touching a book made me feel horribly guilty. Which I refuse. I need to know how to rest without guilt. But I did not know how.

I know that I find myself here, but most times I doubt why I am experiencing what I go through. If its patience, perseverance, I just really need the strength. Some of my best friends in college have left, or are leaving in less than a month. Yet I am here, stuck with possibly more years of school (If I get into grad school). When these friends leave, I will eventually find myself gawking around finding the right place to feel comfortable, to be myself. To find community all over again, but an authentic, enriching community. People who make me want to be like Jesus every day.

So you see, seasons are hard. First was losing someone so dear to me. Then, having to say some goodbyes. But I will take heart despite it all. In Isaiah 43, Jesus promises to be with me through all seasons. Maybe I won't have the strength, but even when I walk through the fires, I know that He will be with me.

He promised he would.

zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you;
    his power gives you victory.
The Lord will take delight in you,
    and in his love he will give you new life.
He will sing and be joyful over you,

daughter of the Heavens

I love being a daughter of the Heavens.
To some it's seemingly narrow, but to me, it's that kind of liberation we all dream about —beyond burn your bra, speak your mind, do what you want—it's an unchaining—lifebreathed and free falling with wings.
It whispers honeyed-melodies that have my heart somersaulting with expectation! It says, "Your life has soul!"
I have found purpose and I'm never letting go.

— Tess Guinery

selah

סֶלָה
"Firm, hard, heavy, like a rock"
"Stop and listen."
"Pause, and think of that."

One of my favourite word in the Bible is not an actual word. Instead, it is a command to pause, to think, to ponder. In a deeper sense, it also calls for the reader to stop reading. I remember hearing about selah in a service once and it struck me, the depth of the word. Hebrew chapter 4 calls for an action to rest. It is quite strange how I have read the chapter countless times, but never really saw it as that till last week in church when we talked about it.

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. (verse 1)

The chapter starts off commanding the reader to not fall short or sin and to enter rest, as promised.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (verse 15)

Then we find a God that is in every way human. I cannot even begin to grasp this concept. But knowing that He is in every way human. To

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (verse 16)

It takes courage. To know a God of holiness, to know that sin is not an option and to approach Him. In all reverence and awe. If I were to be totally honest, rest is so hard to find in times of need. Our first response is to react. To react out of fear and insecurity. Anxiety is often regard as society's most acceptable sin. We often forget that if God is for us, nothing can come against us. Nothing. More often than not, we should learn to step back, to pause, and remember why Jesus knew the importance of selah.

followers of?

Stumbled upon an article about Converts vs. Discipleship and realizing again what this walk really is. Def not a duck walk with little ducklings.

"Jesus doesn’t call everyone to leave everything every day. He calls us to be willing to give up everything at any point.
His call for each of us is different. He has uniquely gifted every person to carry out a unique and valuable function in His kingdom. While what we are called to may be unique, the call is an extreme standard: Jesus must be greater than everything else."

I think I struggle the most with my education. I think sometimes my education reigns above Jesus and who He is to me. I allow it to reign my mind, my worries, my thoughts and sadly, this dictates my life. I do not want to be Damaged Goods, but we are all damaged goods. (Side note: Transformation church has been such a blessing.) Frankly speaking, it is valid. My fears can be rationalized.

But who am I to say that I am entitled to even put what is no.1 above Jesus?

No. I want to live a life that reflects that Jesus is greater than everything else. I want to rise above the waves no matter how tall they may be. I want to remember that I want all of these.

pc: yougov

the mess of Me

Often I wonder how someone can see me and all my flaws, yet still chooses to see the good parts. Just thinking about the sermon in church today makes me pause. We talked about how Jesus asks the first one without sin to cast the stone. None of the scholars who accused the guilty could claim they are without sin.

If God can forgive an adulterous woman, who am I to deprive anyone else of forgiveness?

I have been mulling that thought for a few weeks now. How does one forgive oneself? How does one forgive others? Naturally, as flawed beings, our easiest response is to keep track of how much one has wronged you. Yet, forgiveness calls for a new slate. How easy is that? Not so. But if the mess of me can be overlooked and forgotten, I have to start. Somewhere. Somehow.

the mess of Us

I had a conversation with a dear friend today. After a long time of our busy schedules keeping us apart, we coincidentally ended up in the same place. Soon after catching up, we talked about life. He went on to tell me about a friend who took his own life and how devastating it was to receive such news. Conversations like these should be life-altering. Heck, if this doesn't wake you up I don't know what will.

We live in such a broken world where people everywhere are hurting.

In some way or another, people are hurting (to a certain extent). That is the truth. In a world, as broken as ours - as war wages on, as mass shootings break out, as social crimes increase; amidst the severe poverty (even in your own town! don't be surprised), it is no wonder how depression and anxiety become a natural response. The need to thrive and survive becomes a mandate. Yet, many respond by putting up masks behind; looking perfect on social media, smiling all the time, or shutting down and becoming indifferent. Indifference. We become so immune to bad news every day. Natural disasters that once shocked the world, becomes merely a headline in today's news. Frankly, just thinking about Hurricane Harvey frightened me a little. While yes, the disasters and lives lost are scary, what scared me more was how quickly we forgot. Just another example of society's indifference. So we find a society as a whole, evolving into people that have to learn to filter and navigate the disastrous world. I can't say much about this, I do not have a psychology background, nor am I fluent in my writing. But I can say one thing. Whatever their own coping mechanism is, it should never lead them to decide on taking their own life.

We are created for a greater purpose.

As temporary citizens of the planet we inhabit, we ought to know that we were created for so much more than all that earth has to offer. The world will fail you, again, and again, and again. It will always fail you. We think that we are evolving to be better human beings, yet we are unable to protect our kids from being safe in school! How crazy is that? How crazy it is that these are constant reminders of our true purpose - our eternal life. So one may think, what is my purpose on earth then?

We were created for eternity. Period.

Here is where I lose half of you - those who do not believe in a Creator. I hate to break it to you, but all evidence points back to one. In fact, I can list some renown intellects who have tried to prove that God does not exist.* You find them living the rest of their lives fully in pursuit of Jesus. Not trying to spark a theological debate, but in the simplest sense, Jesus wants eternity. To be specific, Jesus wants eternity with you. I shuffled onto Cory Asbury's explanation of his song Reckless Love. I was wrecked beyond measure. How fortunate one can be that through the lowest valleys, and the highest mountains, one will never journey alone. To know the faith that even when the world gives up on you and you hate yourself, Jesus still loves you beyond measure. To know that when everyone around you disappoints, you have a greater hope.

You have someone who will never give up on you. Ever.

So promise me next time when things get rough or no matter how many times you 'mess up' and you think that there is nothing you can do. You entertain the thought of death, it is better than just living a mess right? Well, sorry to break it to you. Everyone believes the same lie of 'messing up', or 'not being good enough'. You, me, the person next to you, and that person next to him. Life is not a joyride, and that is what makes it fun! Yet, it is up to you to decide (every day and in every moment) to choose what you believe.There is always something you can do, and someone who will always love you beyond conditions. This love was paid the highest price, and this love will never leave nor forsake you.





*Lee Strobel, C.S. Lewis, John Maxwell, Ernest Becker just to name a few.

Love in Ancient Times

A friend texted me a lengthy text today. I have been contemplating it since then. I hope these perusing words will make you pause and take a step back. Especially in the grand scheme of it all.

Ernest Becker, an atheist author, in his book The Denial of Death, writes that in ancient times romantic love was seldom the basis for marriage. Becker says that modern people don't want to admit to what degree they are making up for the lack of inner spiritual fullness by looking out there for their one true love. He puts it this way,

"We still need to feel that our life matters in the scheme of things. We still want to merge our selves with some higher self-absorbing meaning in trust and in gratitude. But if we no longer have God, how are we to do this? One of the first ways that occurred to the modern person, as Otto Rank saw, was the romantic solution. The self-glorification that we need in our innermost being, we now look for in the love partner. What is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to this position? We want to be rid of our faults. We want to be rid of our feeling of nothingness. We want to be justified. We want to know that our existence hasn't been in vain. We want redemption, nothing less…Needless to say, human beings can't give you that."
In other words, the reason why so many marriages fail and relationships end in heartbreak is because we demand too much from them. We idealize and idolize our partner, looking to them to complete us, only to discover that they have faults just like we do, and lack the power to fill our inner emptiness or satisfy our hunger for love. Only God can give to us and be for us what our hearts truly long for. The gospel is that Jesus Christ came and lived for us, died for us and rose for us in order to give us the justification and redemption that our hearts so desperately long for. He alone makes our lives matter.

a good day

Today seasons of uncertainties come to an end again. My worries have been overcome by peace, slowly, steadily. I cannot ignore how much things have fallen into place for me. I have a fever, but my heart is smiling.

asean night

I had to start a blog for class so here is a link to that. But I may just post everything to this blog once that is done.

I started the year prepping for ASEAN night! It was a lot of work and performances put together by a great team. All the dedication and hard work paid off at the end of the day, unfortunately, we overlooked the recording aspect of the event. However, here is a video created, compiled and written by a new friend, Luke Hall:

OU's first ever ASEAN Night from Luke Hall on Vimeo.

Till then!

CONTENT LOADING

trust me, some words will fill this space pretty soon

here is one of my fave blogs, I connect to well with her, and most times I feel like she is narrating my life. and here are two of Joelle's post that are my very fave:

1 He likes me, He loves me not

2 Few Answers