hate

“I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.” 

― Akira Kurosawa

daughter of the Heavens

I love being a daughter of the Heavens.
To some it's seemingly narrow, but to me, it's that kind of liberation we all dream about —beyond burn your bra, speak your mind, do what you want—it's an unchaining—lifebreathed and free falling with wings.
It whispers honeyed-melodies that have my heart somersaulting with expectation! It says, "Your life has soul!"
I have found purpose and I'm never letting go.

— Tess Guinery

Love in Ancient Times

A friend texted me a lengthy text today. I have been contemplating it since then. I hope these perusing words will make you pause and take a step back. Especially in the grand scheme of it all.

Ernest Becker, an atheist author, in his book The Denial of Death, writes that in ancient times romantic love was seldom the basis for marriage. Becker says that modern people don't want to admit to what degree they are making up for the lack of inner spiritual fullness by looking out there for their one true love. He puts it this way,

"We still need to feel that our life matters in the scheme of things. We still want to merge our selves with some higher self-absorbing meaning in trust and in gratitude. But if we no longer have God, how are we to do this? One of the first ways that occurred to the modern person, as Otto Rank saw, was the romantic solution. The self-glorification that we need in our innermost being, we now look for in the love partner. What is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to this position? We want to be rid of our faults. We want to be rid of our feeling of nothingness. We want to be justified. We want to know that our existence hasn't been in vain. We want redemption, nothing less…Needless to say, human beings can't give you that."
In other words, the reason why so many marriages fail and relationships end in heartbreak is because we demand too much from them. We idealize and idolize our partner, looking to them to complete us, only to discover that they have faults just like we do, and lack the power to fill our inner emptiness or satisfy our hunger for love. Only God can give to us and be for us what our hearts truly long for. The gospel is that Jesus Christ came and lived for us, died for us and rose for us in order to give us the justification and redemption that our hearts so desperately long for. He alone makes our lives matter.

We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts.

Aw Tozer

"Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right."

-Abraham Lincoln

Credits

Because life is like those photo frames. Only when placed together - a whole picture is formed. Notice the differences of each frame. Each experience, stage in life, so different yet similar in another way.

Apologies for the long hiatus, well, I haven't really wrote properly in a long long time. Sometimes I really wish to write long long rants to pour out how I feel but I feel so tired - emotionally. In all modesty, I realise how much of a human I am. I think I lost a friend, whom has always been there through everything. Since running and then on. The thing is no matter how far we drift apart talking again feels only natural. Guess it is my turn to feel it now. On top of it all -
How do I phrase this; well I've been unintentionally stirring up unnecessary conflicts. Well, lately Mom and I don't really reason things out fairly. Mostly my fault? I cannot say much. Most times, I feel like I let my parents down. I look at myself and I feel tempted to even deceive myself into believing I am a failure. But I know with Jesus I will never be one. And I feel reassured again.

This walk of faith; of doing nothing. Oh the irony, but to be honest without God I would never be so grateful today. The one thing I've realised to be ever so true:

Grace is not based on my performance.

Grace is not based on my performance.

Grace is not based on my performance.

(repeat)

I have to admit, I am a pretty negative person. I know some might not agree to that but hear me out. Some nights, I tend to replay the day (especially the bad parts), and worry about the future a lot. I don't know why I cannot help it, I just beat myself up. When Jesus takes care of the birds of the air, and clothes the lilies, here I am alive and well yet worrying for tomorrow. Ignorant me.

Nevertheless, I am so grateful for people who always remind me that when things go down, I should look up. Two men have played an important role in my life for reminding me when I need it. The older brother gave me a call after my scholarship news (it was postponed) came out. He knows me way too well. I ended up crying - but of course not showing it because sissies cry. He really told me to snap out of it. Dad too, he tells me to always find the good in everything. Frankly, sometimes when the storms overwhelm, I cannot help but to fear it instead of trusting Him to calm the storm for me.

Devotions today pierced my heart. Proverbs 12:25 teaches us to speak words of encouragement. Speak life into your hopes and dreams. Speak life to yourself.  I have been thinking about it a lot. I really need to ponder on scriptures like this constantly.

So much for a long post, heh. I should safely conclude by this: Hopes, disappointments, regrets. Paid for two thousand years ago, when my Jesus died for me.

Are you willing to take up the cross and lay down your burdens?

Am I?

---

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,
    but a good word makes him glad."

― Proverbs 12:25 ESV

“When someone is broken, they don’t necessarily want someone to fix them. They just want to find someone who will make sure they don’t break anymore.”

— Zaeema, “broken people”

“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Happiness and peace

God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing.

―C.S. Lewis

What next?

Twitter is flooded.... with pictures of my best buds heading to SUKMA. I will be praying and hoping for the best for every athlete. It is time to over throne Terengganu and get first guys! Selangor nombor satu selamanya k. Haha, and if you are wondering. Yes I am certain my running days are sort of over, I mean for SUKMA of course. Everyone tries to make me feel better by saying, what will happen if you win a gold medal in SUKMA? It is a coveted achievement for every runner no doubt. But if your chance is gone, life goes on. With or without you - the ugly truth.

So here I am taking some time to thank God for allowing me to run in SUKMA two years ago. (Something I will never regret). I still don't know how I did it, SPM and SUKMA at the same time, but I know He is the reason. Now it is time to move forward, to greater heights. To look back and feel thankful, grateful and blessed. To look forward with optimistic hopes, expectations and excitement.

Remember that Genia.

---

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

―  C.S. Lewis

& his brilliant mind

Someday; somewhere,

//credits

So two days of JPS Trials have passed; can't believe Pei flew to Sabah today. And I was actually looking for her. Lousy friend I know.

Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. BETTER > GOOD. Hm. This actually makes sense but the feeling of holding on to mere GOOD things hold us back huh. Till we never really see the BETTER things. Lately i've been so blurred. About what being a friend means, due to many circumstances. But I need to stop judging cause I can never really see them the way God sees them. He has been helping me through alot. Even during the Forecast trials, God has always been good to me. Despite not scoring very well in certain subjects His grace and mercy is sufficient to keep me believing & trusting.

Yes be inspired because Jesus loves you too!

Cheerios!

// Brokenhearted by Karmin. Stuck in my heaad

Someday; somewhere,

//credits

So two days of JPS Trials have passed; can't believe Pei flew to Sabah today. And I was actually looking for her. Lousy friend I know.

Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. BETTER > GOOD. Hm. This actually makes sense but the feeling of holding on to mere GOOD things hold us back huh. Till we never really see the BETTER things. Lately i've been so blurred. About what being a friend means, due to many circumstances. But I need to stop judging cause I can never really see them the way God sees them. He has been helping me through alot. Even during the Forecast trials, God has always been good to me. Despite not scoring very well in certain subjects His grace and mercy is sufficient to keep me believing & trusting.

Yes be inspired because Jesus loves you too!

Cheerios!

// Brokenhearted by Karmin. Stuck in my heaad

hmmm,

“Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?” 

― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.” 

― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

hmmm,

“Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?” 

― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.” 

― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John