gratitude

grat·i·tude

/ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

I am writing again. What a time to be alive! We have been 'sheltering-in-place' for over a month now and things seem to have adopted a new norm.

While things around, human systems i.e. the economy has been failing, everyone has been thrown off their routine. Suddenly, we are at a standstill. It is no surprise why everyone has questioned many things in their lives. What have we been investing in? With millions left jobless, maybe our careers we relied on were not as stable as we thought they were. But slowly and surely, humans are adapting, finding a new path to play small roles in ensuring the safety of all; that those sacrificing their lives fighting disease will not work in vain.

Amidst the confusion, and even now, transitioning into 'precautionary steps' to reopen, the verdict is that nothing will stay the same. There will be no 'normal' to fall back into. COVID has left the world to be a different place and it certainly will not be the one we know pre-COVID.

I have spent my days falling into a comfortable routine. I say comfortable not because I have certainty, nor do I have confidence in the future. But rest assured, with the roof on my head, food in my fridge, and people around me (virtually), I cannot complain. I have spent mornings sleeping in (occasionally), being productive till four to five in the evening, and then watching shows on Netflix. I have been putting together my Plan B, taking online courses, listening to e-books, working on puzzles, and checking things off my checklist. All in all, I've been able to consistently work out more than I ever have, and have connected with friends I haven't spoke to in years. Nothing to complain about, but everything to be grateful for. To be blessed to even get down on my knees and intercede for my family, for the hurting and the vulnerable.

To be honest, Jesus has been faithful and despite having a hard time being 'in' the word, I see him all around. His faithful hands have guided the right people to speak into my life and walk alongside me. It has been tough, not going to lie.

But I have decided to take one day at a time, step by step. I am sure that Jesus did not bring me this far only to leave me. Certainly, things will work out. I can only hope I can worry less and enjoy the process so that I can look back on this chapter in complete certainty that He has the future all along.

It is great to be grateful. But gratitude is fleeting.

I remind myself every moment, post-its all over my room. Reminders that this too shall pass. Reminders that He has seen this coming. Reminders that He will bring us through trials because it is His nature to love, and never forsake. Oh, what hope we are blessed with.

With regard to the news, controversies, and disappointments I have witnessed, especially with the reactions of friends, it is easy to be disheartened. But I think that the only response to the devastating news we are exposed too daily can be combatted with hope, in prayer. Even whispered prayers are heard. Now, more than ever.

So to everyone reading, hang in there! We are doing just fine and we will get through this. 2020 is not over yet, neither are your dreams, hopes, and visions for the year.

i got one foot in the future, another in the past.

does that mean i am in the present?

why do i keep looking back yet force my feet forward?

too many questions, as to which i have no answers to.

who knows what the future will hold?

recollections of john 11

i was reading John 11 earlier and wow! i have never read it this way before. just as a brief background, Mary (Martha's sister) is the same person who poured expensive perfume on Jesus and wiped it with her hair. i know, so bizarre (especially for those not familiar with the Bible). with the little knowledge i know, the money Mary spent on the bottle of perfume poured out was equal to a year's of wages (estimated). Basically a lot of money. This is also the same sister that sat on Jesus feet and listened. anyway, they have a brother, Lazarus who in this passage has recently passed away due to an illness. so here is my thoughts on it.  

6 So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, 7 and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.”
8 “But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews there tried to stone you, and yet you are going back?”
9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Anyone who walks in the daytime will not stumble, for they see by this world’s light. 10 It is when a person walks at night that they stumble, for they have no light.”
11 After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”
12 His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” 13 Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.
14 So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”
16 Then Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]) said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”

1) Jesus Waited

in my opinion, if people were trying to stone him, whether or not he went earlier or later, wouldn't have mattered. either way, he was risking his life. yet he waited AFTER hearing of Lazurus' illness. he stayed for two whole days. it doesn't add up, i mean, if you had a relative or a dear friend who is severely ill, would you not travel immediately visit him or her? does not add up because if you knew you were going to go to a dangerous place, why not do so urgently.

yet, this is where his ways are higher. he arrived four days after Lazarus passed. Lazarus was really dead at that time, and Jesus had a chance to resurrect the dead. one of the rare cases in the Bible where he did so -- Jesus is so so selective! yet, in his own way and timing, he came through. he restored FULL life into Lazarus. from being fully dead.

doesn't that tell you about God? gosh he never gives up huh? you literally are never too far gone, you can die and he can still chase after you. this eternal pursuit sometimes shifts my perspective to attempt to fathom the depth of his grace. despite the unpopular, snide remarks, Jesus knew that his timing was perfect, he knew that his Father would be greatest then. he listened. he obeyed. only then would he be truly magnified.

2) His disciples doubted him

as people hanging with Jesus you would think one would already understand him? yet the disciples questioned him, this garnered a parable like a response from Jesus. but if you ask me tbh, Jesus was probably sarcastic too at this point. he must be kinda tired of explaining himself to his closest friends huh? i mean, bro, he knew Lazarus died even when there did not have phone lines or the internet. how? only if he is God.

then Thomas of course, the doubter. whom in all honesty, I can relate to him. he is pessimistic and in constant disbelief. though he may be in perfect health, he said in verse 16 to 'we may die with him' to which sounds so morbid. seriously? someone else dies and you speak in such a manner. it is so inappropriate, yet, i find myself being like so. though it may seem different in front of different people, i want to believe in Jesus.

i want to believe in him and not strive, i want to hope that i can move mountains, i want to choose peace over anxiety, i want to be grateful when i am pessimistic.

3) Jesus is deeply moved

38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. 

Jesus wept, the shortest verse in the Bible, is in John 11. It's simplicity, in a two-word sentence, shows how significant it is. this verse catches me off guard as Jesus is depicted as someone who feels so deeply. AGAIN, i relate here, because I feel so deeply. often, i hate it because it makes me weak and vulnerable. it also cripples me from time to time. yet, Jesus was deeply moved by his friend's pain. and it shows how he knows how it is like. he knows the deepest depths of the emotions we put on. and so it showed me, how human he was. 

you know, today listening to John, I never saw Jesus this way. to me, he was a Sovereign power, but somewhat distant sometimes. i know now, that is a TOTAL lie because he is so close to your heart and your troubles. so that whatever life may bring, Jesus is stronger. you are stronger when your strength is found in him.

alt reality

alternate realities. my time in Cambodia, thus far, has taught me so much. truth be told, the bites, the dusty roads, the heat in the markets were bearable. but i was constantly looking forward to the day we would go home; back to 'reality'.

we can happily skip on a plane and return to a rather 'posh' lifestyle of not having to worry of mosquitos. turning on the ac with a single button. playing the piano anytime. little, significant details like constant electricity.

the Singaporeans (who started the school) can just hop on a plane too. so can anyone 'serving' in the area. back to a reality where comfort is abundant and, familial faces are not scarce. back to where one train ride will take you to a pristinely clean restaurant. back to a place of no dusty roads. no dirt. apart from the ones designed to be in gardens or sandboxes of children.

that is when it dawned on me. this is their reality. the people i have come to know and love. their reality is here. in the center. away from family. yet, this is the better 'alternate reality'. they are not so different you know. some aspire to be singers, engineers, and scientists. their hopes and dreams are real. but their reality remains. and yet, they are considered blessed to be where they are.

while the comparison is an unprecedented intention, a comparison is only fortuitous. heck, it is necessary.

i have too much, but too much to complain too. shameful but true. my level of gratitude for what i have around me, where i was brought up; it entails a higher level of gratitude than the one i have for life right now. that needs to change. i cannot believe it took a trip to Cambodia for me to realize this. but the unraveling nature of life is as such. i guess.


excerpt from a journal entry: june 25th, 2018

fall

the thought that she has fallen, fallen, and fallen again and again into a deep abyss;

and despite it all His love for her never wavers.

He still chooses her, picks her up, and holds her,

while He tells her it is all going to be okay.

gently.

because one day, this will all make sense,

she chose to believe that with overwhelming anxiety, His grace still abounds.

she knew that the truth always prevails.

she knew that insecurities were lies.

she knew that she was better than this.

she was made for so much more.


-


it is worth it. to fall, and still come back to where one started.

slowly but surely, she too will get back on her two feet.


-

slowly but surely, she will soar with wings like eagles.

she was made to conquer.

and nothing will stop her.

because that's the way that He is
"what will change, is your ability to receive my love"

volatile

oil prices are back up again! yay to the market - not sure if I should be upset or happy since gas is so expensive. it is the end of dead week and I've never been so relaxed my whole life. so happy to end junior year with one of the best semesters ever. bear with me here, I have many things on my mind.

known. 

I'm never grateful enough - but today I'm so grateful. the weather is perfect, Norman was safe, the flooding wasn't crazy. above it all, I've never felt so loved my whole life.

I've had people cook for me, ask me if I've eaten (numerous times), made sure that I wasn't hiding whatever was bothering, but most importantly, finding contentment.

I know it is not a big deal, but today I was walking into a study area and my friend who was laying his head on the table and he could literally hear me coming. Like he recognized my footsteps.

insane. To be known like that. Blows my mind to know that the number of hairs on my head are known too. Because I have a father who loves me so! whenever i feel down or upset about my situations - just the thought of knowing that Jesus got me covered. He sees my future. this in itself reassures me. the feeling of being known like that, is surreal. trust me. find a friend who knows your footsteps, then multiply it by a billion.

feels like someone understands you, your simplicity, your complexities, your hopes, your dreams, your disappointments, your capabilities, and your everything. to know that you are known. that in itself allows you to look forward to tomorrow, and tomorrows to come.

wow.

instant gratification.

gosh I don't quite know when to start on this! it's been tugging on my heart for a long time now.  we are so impatient! statistics says that if someone has to wait for 5 minutes on the internet, 90% of users close the tab or move to a different thing. insane right? what is 5 minutes you say?

but what a society we live in that just runs towards momentarily fixes. something that keeps you up for 6 hours. something that numbs the pain. something that lasts for a weekend. temporary. but instant. yet we go back to these temporary fixes - even if it costs our health, money, and is just bad altogether.

why do we settle for temporary fixes? why do we need everything immediately?

we settle for so much less due to our impatience. I cannot deal with a generation that settles for less. people who deserve so much better in life, yet settle for the momentary solution. in the process, they lose themselves, how they value themselves. then their insecurity brings about even more rash decisions that spiral into myriad consequences.

we do not need to lose ourselves, what we value, why we are different for the now. we need to know that the now is not always worthwhile. but how?

how do we slow down. we need to figure this out.

followers of?

Stumbled upon an article about Converts vs. Discipleship and realizing again what this walk really is. Def not a duck walk with little ducklings.

"Jesus doesn’t call everyone to leave everything every day. He calls us to be willing to give up everything at any point.
His call for each of us is different. He has uniquely gifted every person to carry out a unique and valuable function in His kingdom. While what we are called to may be unique, the call is an extreme standard: Jesus must be greater than everything else."

I think I struggle the most with my education. I think sometimes my education reigns above Jesus and who He is to me. I allow it to reign my mind, my worries, my thoughts and sadly, this dictates my life. I do not want to be Damaged Goods, but we are all damaged goods. (Side note: Transformation church has been such a blessing.) Frankly speaking, it is valid. My fears can be rationalized.

But who am I to say that I am entitled to even put what is no.1 above Jesus?

No. I want to live a life that reflects that Jesus is greater than everything else. I want to rise above the waves no matter how tall they may be. I want to remember that I want all of these.

pc: yougov

the mess of Me

Often I wonder how someone can see me and all my flaws, yet still chooses to see the good parts. Just thinking about the sermon in church today makes me pause. We talked about how Jesus asks the first one without sin to cast the stone. None of the scholars who accused the guilty could claim they are without sin.

If God can forgive an adulterous woman, who am I to deprive anyone else of forgiveness?

I have been mulling that thought for a few weeks now. How does one forgive oneself? How does one forgive others? Naturally, as flawed beings, our easiest response is to keep track of how much one has wronged you. Yet, forgiveness calls for a new slate. How easy is that? Not so. But if the mess of me can be overlooked and forgotten, I have to start. Somewhere. Somehow.

weep

My friend - Jeremiah Gentle is in France for his study abroad program and I stumbled upon his blog. Oh wow, this resonates with me so very much and I feel like he wrote something right off my heart - my heart of being abroad - and God's plan for me here. Give it a shot if you feel so inclined. Click here! 

"Although today this morning I wanted to give up, something felt different. Something deep in me didn’t actually want to give up. It didn't want to just leave and fall back into the ordinary life of Norman. The seed of adventure deep inside of me wanted to keep going, to see the miraculous and to do the impossible. So early this morning, I wanted to give up. But early this morning, I chose to thrive."

home

after my fair share of traveling within the past two decades, I find myself constantly redefining what home means to me. today, I am convinced that I am so very blessed to be able to call two places on this earth my home. my temporary home at least. so thankful that the ultimate HOMECOMING is a party with Jesus and I am excited that the friends I've met along the way will all be reunited one day.

another perk? no air fare necessary! haha!

home

after my fair share of traveling within the past two decades, I find myself constantly redefining what home means to me. today, I am convinced that I am so very blessed to be able to call two places on this earth my home. my temporary home at least. so thankful that the ultimate HOMECOMING is a party with Jesus and I am excited that the friends I've met along the way will all be reunited one day.

another perk? no air fare necessary! haha!

make your pitch!

wow hello again. I am here. I have to be honest, 99% of my posts never turn out to be what I planned to write about. Nevertheless, I post them anyway. so here I am again. and I am trying to figure out how to "make my pitch" for last minute internship applications - before you blame me for the procrastination - it is a weekend and it will not be seen till Sunday evening. so sit tight and read thanks.

so here I am. wow, just feeling so amazed and surprised that everything amounted to this. that everything amounted to a single piece of paper with all your qualifications on it (your résumé). how did we end up to be like this? how did humanity mutually agree that this single piece of paper should determine your career path, or to be more dramatic, your life. a career is no doubt a major life decision because it paves your life. having a career that makes one miserable can definitely make his or her life miserable altogether. so, tell me, how did we resort to this? I have always thought that life, today, is absolutely absurd. we study and work hard for a decade to get into a decent university. then, we slave even harder and pay fees that our parents can never afford. in return, we get a single sheet of paper in hopes of finding a dream job. so honestly, why does it have to be this way?

better yet, why do people who study business end up in engineering companies? why do people who are doctors, give the years of studying to paint? why do lawyers end up making music? so where do I fit in then? will I ever use my major? so many questions, yet I have never felt so demeaned, to have to want to make my pitch in hopes that someone will offer me an internship or better yet a job.

humans, maybe we should rethink what our system is made off. how does a single piece of paper control our lives? in the mean time, since this system has been running the world for a long, long time, I will cease with my absurd rants and live with the system - till I find one that works better.


why all these thoughts? I am so sure, I do not want a job that pays me well. I want to make my pitch, but not to multi million corporate companies who couldn't care more for the world's problems. I want to make my pitch, to this world, and the precious lives it holds. I want to make my pitch to the poor and hungry, the unloved and the ones searching for the real meaning in life.

oh well, I think it is time. to stop procrastinating.

till then.

flawed to perfection

Hi,

Let me be the first to say that the last couple of weeks have not been my "most spiritual" season of my life. I am definitely working on it but after what I've been through I feel like there was a reason for the lack of time spent with Jesus (as in reading the Bible etc). Don't get me wrong, I am still constantly talking to him and what not. But I've learned to grasp (maybe just a little bit) this faith thing. Wow, writing this, I am just blown away.

I am appalled at the many times I've tried to earn my "hours" with God. Calculating the hours spent reading or praying. Cause really, Isaiah 64:6 "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away." We will never be good, or even come close to being "holy" enough for God. Sad but true. I would often think of how I was throughout the day and be disappointed in myself.

However, the word holy is synonymous with godly. And really. Me? Nah, I can never even come close to that. Wow. But I am constantly blown away by how God confirms again and again that with FAITH, he has completed us to perfection.

I've always imagined the flawed person I am as cracks in the pavement. Everyone knows that driving on roads like that make the journey bumpy. Jesus is the tar that is constantly making the cracked pavement smooth. Filling in all the cracks, all my flaws, taking my sins, and making everything perfect again. But think about this, if we are already trying to fill the cracks with something not as good as tar, it wears off easily?

I've been constantly reminded over and over that I should stop striving. Stop trying to be in control of filling the cracks with useless materials. Because I am a sinner. I will constantly sin. Regardless of how holy I aim to be. Because whatever Jesus did on the cross, it satisfied the heart of God forever. Yet, in the light of forgiveness - Jesus takes my brokenness aside and He makes it beautiful. No matter how many time I mess up.

Forgive my rants, but I think it is very much relevant to me. I know it may seem repetitive but Joseph Prince phrased it perfectly when he said "The secret behind every godly man and woman is their belief in the truth that they have been forgiven".

Man. I do not know what I just wrote, but I do know that Jesus calls us higher each day, to live to the standard of perfection that He has set. To acknowledge that it is possible, because He has completed us to do so.

Wow. Jesus. You are definitely my favourite.

Selah

  
#nofilter

Genesis 2:1-3:Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array. By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.
So grateful for a long weekend. A getaway from school. Grateful that I did not stay in my room doing homework or trying to study. I actually managed to forget about homework, not worry, and just let go. I need that peace everyday! *note to self* Thankful that I had the chance to be with people whom I've barely known for a year - but feel like family already. I honestly do not know how God is this generous. Days like these don't come often, but I know that I can look back and remind myself of God's goodness.

Well. School really starts now. Test,s quizzes and what nots. Yet. I am eternally grateful to be called higher, to depend more and more on His strength. 

Thoughts

let me tell you a story.

This past week has been so difficult for me because I've had to face things no girl should ever face. Okay fine, this may sound melodramatic, I'll stop.

But let me tell you, before I start, that if you can relate to this, you should know that you can come to a place that is set higher and chose to speak life and peace into your circumstances.

So, a friend told me that I could live with her for the summer. It wasn't till later on that I found out that the person will not be in town till a week or so after my contract ended. Ok, so whatever, cause someone offered me their couch. And that was enough. Somehow deep inside I had a feeling that it wouldn't work out. And so Sunday came along, I had no place to go. I called my cell leader just hours before, explained my situation and she said I could stay. So that was that. 

I've been trying to call the person to see if I still could live with her for the rest of the summer. But somehow I just felt like, meh. It didn't work out, why should I keep trying. I was upset already. Because let me tell you something:

Being homeless sucks. Depending on others sucks. Relying on someone else (other than family) it's not cool. Always asking for rides and favours you know you cannot repay. 

To be honest I wasn't even pms-ing. I guess the feeling of not having a place to stay in a foreign land really got to me. I don't even know why.. But whatever the excuse, I was sad. Feeling so let down. Not cool I tell you. On top of that I kept missing Skype or FaceTime dates. 

Let me where I am at now. This past Sunday I went out for prayers, and whatever pride I had I didn't care. I just went out and told my frustrations, basically how I wished I was home - and things would be less complicated. I literally bawled. Which was a little bit embarrassing but no pride hey. Through that prayer, I felt my heavy heart slowly becoming lighter and lighter. By the time I got back to my seat I was so light. I felt free and it has been quite some time since I felt that way.

To be honest, I purposed in my heart to forgive, forget and let it be the past. But honestly, let me be frank and tell you that my initial trust can never be restored. I guess I really just need Jesus to teach me how to trust and start new again. 
I mean one step at a time? I am so grateful that I got to a point where I can look at the situation from a higher point. I am blessed to be able to stand on a rock that is higher than I. I pray with all my heart that I will be able to be genuine and loving and just so forgiving in future circumstances.
Here's to new family and learning to grow!

Kendra turns 19





Today would not have happened without:

German Chocolate cupcakes - courtesy of Crimson and Cream (so good)

Laura - brought party hats for everyone and a tiara for the Birthday girl! :)

Last but not least - mastermind behind everything. Nosi! She planned and made tonight happened. So blessed and thankful for this year wonderful lady ❤️


This is Kendra. I met her barely 3 months ago but I love her so much already. In many ways she has been such a blessing to me. She has been like my "little" sister - no I'm kidding. But her love for God inspires to always pursue God with all my heart.
From my brief friendship with Kendra I can say this about her.
Kendra is kind, she is determined- to love God and love others. Kendra is full of joy and caring. But most of all Kendra's child like faith and love for God is extraordinary.
Happy 19th birthday, to this wonderful life I have a privilege to be a part of.
Love you Kendra Sy!

Phenomenal

(photo credits: theworshipproject.co)

so I just had to blog. It's 230am and I just had IHOP for the first time! Yeah Murica. Also, I've just had the best day yet. 

Started off the day asking God for favor when we met with the bursar to try to waive our late charges. After class I headed over and kept asking God for favor. True enough when we met with Miss Janice, she immediately waived the charges and got our receipts in a second. I barely needed to explain why I needed the charges waived. I was so happy and shocked at how smooth the whole process went. Finally being able to pay fees was a huge relief off of my back. And on top of that, in faith I went to the bank the day before and took out the exact balance without the extra 1.5% and if they didn't waive it I would have to make another trip to Chase. Wow.

Then I went to the bookstore and got a shirt that was wrongly priced - but I got it for the cheaper price anyways! :) :)

But to top it all off - Encounter tonight was PHENOMENAL. No other word to describe what just happened. We spent the few hours soaking, prophesying and ministering into each other. Oh so powerful. God keeps reminding me how He has taken care of me throughout my high school/running days and He'll do the same here. Afterwards Rin and Chad prayed over me. Rin got a word for me about being a bright fire and Chad had a funny picture of me cupping water in my palms. Hmm I have to pray about that for sure. But man oh man.

It gets better.

I got to play foosball with the awesome bunch. And while that was happening, everyone was buzzing on about IHOP (cause international pancake day!). Then suddenly, OU texted/called that classes were cancelled for the whole of today!!!! Which means tests are going to be rescheduled but yay!!

So IHOP was a no go. Headed over to Hannah's to grab her laptop and some coffee. Then we went to the house Joel and Jarred stayed for a week / house sitting to have worship. Man! Greg was there too. It was so awesome. The word spoken over the group tonight:

• We are going to be excellent in sharing Gods love
• People are going to want to be near us and we are gonna make an impact on campus
• Greg said that worship was like the 7th walk around Jericho. We didn't need to do anything yet the walls broke down. All we needed was to praise Him.

Encounter and worship afterwards - was indescribable. God came down and poured out into so many hungry hearts today - surreal.

We did IHOP! And hence why I'm just writing this now. :) pancakes was good.

I'm so excited that good days like these are going to be a norm - and I'm claiming that. More favored days ahead!! :) :) 

So thank You Jesus. For you tell us to worry not and rest in You. We know every good and wonderful thing comes from You alone. Lest we forget.

New seasons

It is about time I admit that it is a time of new seasons for me. Oh where do I start? It is going to be my second month here.

To be honest, it is after 2 months would be the longest I have been away from home. When I studied in Kuching (Borneo Islands) I flew home every other weekend lol - even for 3 days. I would skip classes sometimes heh. Realising I can't do that here is a little bit new for me.

Nevertheless, my time here has been nothing less than amazing. I have definitely had some ups and downs for sure, but this week has been overwhelming for me. I would like to remind my future self reading this to never look back again. This week has been a breakthrough for me. This is true in so many different ways.

I've had countless nights tossing and turning in bed and waking up before my alarm rings. Throughout the week I went through so many things that I had to constantly choose peace. Yes, you should agree that it is not easy. Often, the easier way would be to just admit defeat and start worrying. Anxiety. Believing in anxiety and worrying is a paradox to believing in God. This is a lesson I've heard countless times (especially during the Fullness conference) I know but never learnt to take heart (at least till now). I was so exhausted - the cold, the snow, cancellation of tests, every other reason. By Friday I was beat. Tired out, and suddenly I decided to listen to Graham Cooke's message from Fullness. Hearing it the third time finally struck me in the heart. I've had this gradual feeling of freedom, pure peace and just slowly feeling free again.

Yes, situations may not go my way all the time but Jesus is for me.

---

Also, this week so many people have ministered to me and I want to remind myself to be thankful for them. My parents have always been on Skype telling me to trust God in everything, and in life group this week we had a prophecy practice thing. It was so impromptu! Regardless, Jesus is always good and we prophesied over each other. The guys in my small group spoke three things over me: fruits I may not see, a calming sunrise and the word patience. (Yeah like, what?) But I have faith! To see all this things come to pass. Anyways back to the Friday. I purposed in my heart that I was so tired of living a tired life, I want to hold my ground and claim my rest back. To add on the whole process, today, Past Chris spoke about the "Change of Heart" in church. What are we living for? Because everything that we do springs out from the heart. Are we guarding it?

Nosi spoke a word over me today - it struck me so hard. I am not ready to share it yet. But I am so blessed. To catch a glimpse of what's in store for me.

Psalms 91 - a whole chapter worth meditating over and over again.

---

 

AH LIFE, SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO. Two more hours into a brand new week. What do you say Jesus? Ready? Well, if You are I am.

Have a great week ahead everyone! Remember to always be grateful for each day you live, live it to the best you possibly can. An ex classmate's sister passed away earlier today. It's always devastating to hear of new like this but Jesus wanted her home early. We can only live each day like it's our last. Only then we've really lived. :)

Oh. My old love for Switchfoot is back. I found this song ever so relevant.[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7JJWqr7Oes?list=PLC90792750749EF39&w=560&h=315]

Fullness 2015

Hi, its Friday and I am waiting on laundry. I am listening to Jonathan David & Melissa Helser's latest album - "On the Shores". I just scored 5/5 for my Geo reading quiz and that made my day. :) Anyway, I've been procrastinating. Putting off writing this post and now I realise why. Why I wasn't so keen on writing it.

Honestly, the Fullness conference tugs on my heart's deepest part. Every fault and disbelief I have was challenged. I will try to explain what I mean. But honestly, I am a very negative person (well that was the old me!) and to hear things like this - the simple truths of our great Father made me so skeptical. I was like, "Huh, really, it's that simple? No, that can't be it".

One thing spoke to me so powerfully - this simple statement:

"Rest is our greatest weapon"

As easy as it is to say these five words, to know and take heart, thats a different level. Graham Cooke's sermon on rest really challenged me. I started questioning myself. Really - why am I worrying so much when I have a God that has everything taken care of? Is anything too hard for the Lord? Often, I am guilty of belittling God. Limiting His power and love in my life. Honestly, we receive the love we think we receive and I've been guilty of thinking that God will never love me as much because of (endless list of flaws). Telling Him, "Hey, my day is going to be pretty busy today, and I'm going to pray and do my devotions - but I'm going to strive to make sure I get through the day. And uhm, if you want to help you can, but it's going to be a busy day, okay God? So bye", "See you when I'm exhausted and weary from my busy day". And then at the end of the day I find myself asking, "Where was God during my bad/busy days"? Naive. So blinded by the fact that i've left Him aside, forgotten that He was right there, next to me.

And yet, God is so ever ready to open His arms wide again - to assure me that He is glad i've come to realise that his love is unconditional. His grace is all deserving and His power knows no bounds. And yes, we may limit Him when the waves of life come crashing Him, but that doesn't mean He is actually limited in anything, we just think He is. And oh, what a wonderful God we serve. That allows us to come just as we are, with our flaws and impure love and filthy hearts.

I will never begin to understand that, but I believe it is real. And I want to live like that - knowing I am loved and God's grace will never let  me go. I went to lifegroup on Thursday (after yet another hectic week) and Chris, my LG leader shared about how he had a pretty intense week but He chose Jesus. He chose not to worry. In the end he didn't look tired out or anything, God's grace sustained him. Wow, to hear and witness testimonies from people my age - that's something. LG has been opening my eyes to see how God works in the lives of people my age. I've heard testimonies after testimonies. Jesus has worked in radical ways. Despite the similar struggles we all face as students, God remains the same, yet so personal to each and everyone of us. I want a significant relationship with God. One thats not built based on obligations but one that recognizes that by delighting in God alone, we claim our territory and let God into our everyday lives. Better yet, we kick the enemy's stronghold, throw away worries and anxieties. Before we know it, we have our greatest weapon: REST!

And a little bit about the actual conference. The Friday of the conference Kenah texted me. He told me that he had extra overflow tickets - a ticket cost $69 (overflow) $90 (normal). And I thought about it for the longest time, then I finally decided, hey, he offered, guess I'll just go. And so, I am so grateful to Kenah really, for not forcing us, but actually giving us the option to go. Thankful to these two really. They treat me like their own little sister. Love them to the bits (picture 8) I got to hang out at Hannah's place for the night with a bunch of girls from LG. One of them, Rachel (picture 7) is an art/portrait major. Its so cool how she painted during worship, the picture shows some of the paintings she worked on throughout fullness. (picture 5&6) This super cool burger/bar place Kenah took us. He paid for our burgers, it was so good! The place was pretty neat too. We spent the break talking and getting to know Laura. (picture 1) is on Saturday - when Kenah cooked for us dinner and we all hung out at his place.

So, the picture with the Bethel guys? Well. I totally had a crush on the keyboardist, haha he was so good looking! And on the last day I told myself I need a picture with him, or anyone in the band for Tiff (< super big fan of Bethel). But I had not guts. Ya. I went up to the beard guy , told him my sister is singing Bethel songs in Malaysia. And there, awkward picture for you! I was kinda bummed since they were leaving for tour immediately after this service. We chilled and waited for everyone to gather to go home. And I was heading towards the toilet area when Jeremy Riddle and Mr Cute Keyboardist walked towards me!!! I was thrilled. Totally jumped at the chance and asked for a picture. Conveniently, Pabel was there and the Cutie thought I wanted a picture with Jeremy only, I had to convince him to be in it lol. But it was all worth it! We drove home and they were next to us. It wa so funny but :) :) what a wonderful few days. really.


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Thank you Jesus, for never failing to amaze each day.