#563 Right now,

faith?

I have officially reached the scariest crossroad, for now at least. Honestly I used to be so carefree about everything that comes in life, like if I had problems, I would often push them aside for another day. Or if fought with a sibling, or friends perhaps, I always hoped to say sorry afterwards or better yet- make them forget. But this January, something shook my whole world up- waking me from this dazed state that I am in.

I KEEP THINKING.
is it possible to live like you're dying? I DON'T KNOW. Because lately the passing of my friend has made me re-think life. What does it mean anymore? Does anything else matters when you know that today is your last day? Because then, nothing else matters but the people around you, and of course, God.  Money, fame, beauty? So what... would anyone remember you for that? And I wonder why tombstones engraves "A good husband and father/wife/child" No one engraves "Successful business man", "Beautiful lady". So then again, what does life mean? We know all these, and yet we live in such a mediocre manner. I keep thinking what have I done, to impact others. Have I lived my life yet? And if no, why. Why am I waiting, and for what. I am so lost, because lately work has kept me on my toes. Despite being too tired for anything, I tend to be so cranky after waking up, but then theres always times when everyone seems to make you angry and nothing ever goes right. And it is times like this that I beat myself up for making a big deal out of nothing. Because if we were to live as though we were dying, would anyone scold another? No way, they'd probably just go around thanking everyone, and appreciating whomever has played a part in their lives.

Sometimes I think about what God thinks of me. And yes, I know He knows everything about me from the inside out, but sometimes I feel like I have never lived for Him yet. Church, devotions, prayer-every Christian's daily regime. Lately, I don't see how to.. find Him. Finishing high school was a hard time for me. Never would I admit or realize this but my life has been so ordered in high school, and suddenly- i'm lost. What next? I keep asking.

This time last year, (in fact the last 3 years) I would be training & praying hard for my MSSDs. Then the whole season will begin. Skipping months of school, rushing to study for exams. Then off season competitions. December post exams training again. AND REPEAT. All 4 years, till SPM. Which was no different, due to SUKMA.

RIGHT NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. TRAIN? for what, I don't even know which uni i'm going to. Find my coach again, whyyyyy? Who is going to send me for trainings. I can't make my mum bear the trouble all over again, and this time there is no competition. So what next? Least I can do is not get unfit, stay fit. Minimum workouts in the gym. And, yet. With no goal, competitions to look forward to, the motivation to push harder- just not there.

Isaiah 41:10

 Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

AND ALL THAT NONSENSE RANTING.

When the solution to all my problems is in one word.

BIBLE.

People call it the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

Haaa, yes, corny joke, but yet so practical. AND TRUE.

Besides, the earth is just a temporary home for us, till God calls us home. I have started to read my Bible a little bit more, making effort this time. And things have started to fall into place. Not instantly of course, but the assurance that God wants the best, and only the best for you makes you go through the troubles in life with peace- knowing that what you are facing makes you that someone your meant to become.

Hence- the moral of the story is I need to trust God a little bit more. Actually, I need to trust Him, with all my heart.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

On a more personal side, about my life right now; I am very proud to say that I have passed my parking test. One more to go, jyeah! Work generally has been work. Nothing much to say there, but I am grateful to my parents for fetching me to and fro.

Now, I need to learn to take things slow. Be grateful for each day.... before SPM results come out, and things get real. AND FOR EVERY LITTLE THING. Like meals on the table. Lights. Water. When people halfway around the world go to bed hungry & hoping for a miracle of food. Ohman.

The past week has been exhausting for me because of the "Module 4 of the Effective Fervent Prayer" seminar by Pastor Julius Suubi. Nevertheless it was so worth it and God moved very powerfully. It also made me realise how inadequate I am as a Christian-not praying enough. This has to change, I know and believe strongly that God will bless prayers. Apart from others, praying for my results probably hit the top of my prayer list, but I shan't be selfish. Somethings, sometimes gotta give. Oh wells. Enough rantings, to myself, for myself to read hahahlololololol

Starting to feel it, till then.

God bless you!