Soon enough you'll have to face things you never wanted. Things have been a blur for me lately. The transition of no more running to 100% studying. Books, books, and more books. Its been some really getting to used to. My leg muscles have shrunk, phases of leg cramps, not getting hungry lately. But thats all physical. I've come to realise that running was actually a part of me that I enjoyed. Despite struggling and having endless training hours; studying is way pressuring. Everyone knowing what they're studying and you're like, whaaat? We actually learned that? And on top of it all. I have to slowly accept the fact that Jon is actually leaving. Yes so. I've been trying to ignore that as a fact; but everything too real to be mere conversations. Conversations were becoming reality. Bags are packed. A "to-do before Jon leaves" was made. I had no choice.
Jon's really leaving. And I keep trying to accept it. But I can't. Reality hits hard when you least expect it. True indeed.
I've been really preoccupied with my thoughts lately. I struggle a lot. When i'm studying I think too much. When I sleep I think too much. When i'm with my family I get to emotional; be it getting angry easily, or being too sensitive. I break down all the time. INFRONT OF THEM. Which really embarrassing, but i've stopped. At least these few days. AND THE WORST THING IS I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I get so helpless. I mean, everyone in that family is coping with their own way of letting him go too. But he has always been someone really close to me in the family. We stand up for each other, grew up together doing all sorts of silly things. Despite growing up. We've got closer in other ways. He really talks sense into me when I lose myself. He's honest. And the only sibling I can turn to; being the second. SIGHS THING IS. Everything is going to change. I really don't get why he can't leave AFTER SPM, not before, but well. God's plans are perfect. No denying that. He'll help me cope with all this. I believe. I really really don't like where I am now. Its like when I study, all I think about is how many days we have left before he leaves. I mean I know its gonna be just 3 years. But 3 years can do a lot for someone. I might even get back a totally different brother. AND THE USA IS SO FAR. Its not like he can come back anytime he wants. Whats worse is that, I don't know how to act around him. Mum says make him feel loved and appreciated before he leaves, but I choose to ignore the fact that he's leaving. I mean, till now, I have yet to say anything like "I'll miss you" and all, we just joke about it. Well. Guess I need to stop talking to myself and start sorting things out. But this I know for now, I really don't want to study. I just do it cause Mum and Dad are checking in on me. And I hate myself for being crazily over emotional. I hate it. I need to let go. Cast all my worries down before the cross. Just cause Jesus has been through so much worse & that He understands.
168 hours till he leaves and 2184 hours left to SPM. Despite everything. I have to surrender everything i'm feeling right now. Only because I believe deep inside, that all His ways are perfect.
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All the Lord’s promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
Psalms 18:30
Till then,
CHONG WEI vs. ugly moustache LIN DAN now
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