Fake

Lately, I never let myself cry when watching movies (except when alone). And remembering friends flying off too. I've never showed that I would really miss them when I know its the exact opposite. Instead I will choose to babble on about a stupidly pointless topic, then go like, "Oh bye bye, you don't forget us okay, see you soon!"

What's worse is that I can never really show how sad I am. I can never deliver bad news without a "Hahahaha" or say how I really feel without a "Jokes", "Kidding okay? " Instead I start over thinking.

I must say. I am so very tired and exhausted of feeling disappointed in myself. Not letting anyone know the seriousness of it all. Like for example, I would say: "I didn't pass my math test. Hahahah lol." When as a matter of fact there isn't anything to even laugh at mind.

What I hate the most. The most I must say, is how much I love silence but feel obligated to prevent it anyways. Obligated is the word because I feel like when it is too quiet I need to ensure everyone in the conversation feels included. Not because silence is awkward; but because silence is awkward. Do you get what I mean? I somewhat think that the silence will cause them to feel uneasy and not like to be around me. Especially when people disagree. Ohmygoodness, the obligation I feel is equivalent to that of a mediator - trying to smooth any little crease that makes itself present. And hence, trying to be sensitive, I try.

Maybe I really need to care less. Think less. Speak less. See less. Rant less. Please, remember these things Eugenia.

"Swift to listen, slow to speak."