So the hardest week of the semester is over. I felt like it flew by really. Oh well, just a few things. As I sit here, contemplating on life. Ha. Okay. So the scariest thing is that a rather ridiculous thought hasn't left since two days ago - I don't know where to start, but last Sunday I spoke to my pastor's mom - who was visiting the church that week. I had no idea how we started talking but we did. Anyway she told me she was spending Christmas at her daughters place this year. Then she went on to say that her husband passed away that year. Her next few words, were words I thought I would only read in cliche cheesy posts, because she said,
"I still miss him everyday"Wow. I want a love like that.
You know how being a Christian, people always say christian things like, "Love God first, then the right one will come along." Yeah, sure. I totally agree with that, when you delight in Him your heart's desires will be granted for sure. But do you also have those days where you're in the place where you feel like talking to someone will be nice? Someone who really wants to hear you out, is interested in your life, and all it's happenings, no matter how big or small. Someone who will put everything aside, just because you are that important in his/her life. To make things worst, my homie, who is very much taken, was planning something for his girl, because he wasn't going to spend Christmas break with her. In the midst of finals prep, he actually was prepping for something that will make her feel thought of, every single day. Like wow, please stop. Because I am at the awkward stage of not knowing who to turn to. Sister? Timezones (but eventually she will hear everything). Brother? Busy. Friends from home? They have their lives, how does one even keep them if they are not around - I don't know. Okay, I have to admit, due to past experiences, I find it so hard to trust people. I never open up anymore, because I don't see the point of it. Also, its been barely a year since I got here. And that leaves me here - complaining. That no one is interested in my life enough to check up and make sure that i'm alright (not just physically, but emotionally too). Or maybe i'm just taking life for granted, and not seeing what I should be seeing.
Either way, I just feel so lonely sometimes.
And, I don't know if it is just me - or my lack of faith.
Please know, I am human too.
Anyway I just got back from Bing's place. I passed him something. Since he was going back to Malaysia, he would be able to pass some stuff to my sister. As much as I am happy for him - I left feeling a stab in my heart. The thought that he would be seeing my sister, was surreal. I cannot believe I am so far away. Honestly, the only reason I really wanted to choose to study in Australia was because they had a 3 year engineering program, and I already had an Australian foundation. But that is what I tell everyone. The only reason I really wanted to be in Australia was because it was an eight hour flight away from home. Do you know what that means? Thanks to Air Asia, it meant I could save up enough every semester to fly home. Surprise the family, or not miss out on Christmas.
I know people have done it and are doing it. But honestly I constantly find myself asking myself, 'What am I doing here?' far away from family, and because my family is amazing and being around them means so much to me. I don't know if it's different; if you are not really close to family, I guess it wouldn't bother anyone that much. But, sadly, that's not me. And life just gets in the way. Really, I just want a home to get back to. Somewhere where I can come back and let the worries of the day melt away. Where I can hear what my lil sis has been up to that day - listening to her endless chatter about her friends. She is becoming such a big girl now, I don't know if I can call her little anymore, but she will always be my baby. Conversations with her are always hard because I just want her to come out of the screen and hug me. Oh dang, the "Meet the Robinsons" soundtrack just came on. Ugh, baby was so sad when the show ended because it was so touching. I love how she reacts to movies. Whenever I call her, she would slip the line, "I wish you were here" so discreetly. I cringe. Deep inside, a part of me will hurt because I wished I was there too. I remember how much I missed my brother when he was gone, and to imagine that my baby is missing my like that - how is that fair? In the name of education. Sighs. I don't even know.
Someone once asked me, "Why Petroleum Engineering?"
I replied, "I will tell you when I find out."
Yeah sure, people are always in awe when you tell them your major. Also, they will assume you will make a lot of money. And yes, all of the above are true. But if you know me, you will know that money is not everything to me. Yes, I have to admit money is some sort of a security, but not exactly my number one priority. As cliche as it sounds, I have this dream to change the world. In any way possible. I just don't want to leave without making my mark here. Sadly, I just don't know what that is yet - so while I am scheming on my plan to change the world. PE it is then.
How pathetic is that? Really? I don't know what to think about it. So if you want to help, come talk to me and help me figure it out.
One last thing, to anyone who actually follows my updates - I love wordpress. Unfortunately, I could not find a way to move my blogposts from WP back here, because yes, I am here for good now. Honestly the reason I chose blogger over wordpress was because all my followers would get an email notification every time I post something. I mean, yeah, I want people to read my blog - but they would have to stumble upon it - or just stalk me well enough. So basically, this is an outlet or a virtual diary - you could say. So well. Here I am.
Well, goodbye scattered thoughts.
Till then.
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