gratitude

grat·i·tude

/ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

I am writing again. What a time to be alive! We have been 'sheltering-in-place' for over a month now and things seem to have adopted a new norm.

While things around, human systems i.e. the economy has been failing, everyone has been thrown off their routine. Suddenly, we are at a standstill. It is no surprise why everyone has questioned many things in their lives. What have we been investing in? With millions left jobless, maybe our careers we relied on were not as stable as we thought they were. But slowly and surely, humans are adapting, finding a new path to play small roles in ensuring the safety of all; that those sacrificing their lives fighting disease will not work in vain.

Amidst the confusion, and even now, transitioning into 'precautionary steps' to reopen, the verdict is that nothing will stay the same. There will be no 'normal' to fall back into. COVID has left the world to be a different place and it certainly will not be the one we know pre-COVID.

I have spent my days falling into a comfortable routine. I say comfortable not because I have certainty, nor do I have confidence in the future. But rest assured, with the roof on my head, food in my fridge, and people around me (virtually), I cannot complain. I have spent mornings sleeping in (occasionally), being productive till four to five in the evening, and then watching shows on Netflix. I have been putting together my Plan B, taking online courses, listening to e-books, working on puzzles, and checking things off my checklist. All in all, I've been able to consistently work out more than I ever have, and have connected with friends I haven't spoke to in years. Nothing to complain about, but everything to be grateful for. To be blessed to even get down on my knees and intercede for my family, for the hurting and the vulnerable.

To be honest, Jesus has been faithful and despite having a hard time being 'in' the word, I see him all around. His faithful hands have guided the right people to speak into my life and walk alongside me. It has been tough, not going to lie.

But I have decided to take one day at a time, step by step. I am sure that Jesus did not bring me this far only to leave me. Certainly, things will work out. I can only hope I can worry less and enjoy the process so that I can look back on this chapter in complete certainty that He has the future all along.

It is great to be grateful. But gratitude is fleeting.

I remind myself every moment, post-its all over my room. Reminders that this too shall pass. Reminders that He has seen this coming. Reminders that He will bring us through trials because it is His nature to love, and never forsake. Oh, what hope we are blessed with.

With regard to the news, controversies, and disappointments I have witnessed, especially with the reactions of friends, it is easy to be disheartened. But I think that the only response to the devastating news we are exposed too daily can be combatted with hope, in prayer. Even whispered prayers are heard. Now, more than ever.

So to everyone reading, hang in there! We are doing just fine and we will get through this. 2020 is not over yet, neither are your dreams, hopes, and visions for the year.

Psalm 34 (NLT)

A psalm of David, regarding the time he pretended to be insane in front of Abimelech, who sent him away.

I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
    their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
    he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
    and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
    for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
    I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Whoever of you loves life
    and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
    and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
    seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
    and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
    to blot out their name from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
    the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord will rescue his servants;
    no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

good God

“If God is good and God is good to me, then I must fill in the gaps of all the unknowns of my life with a resounding statement of trust: God is good at being God. I don’t have to figure my present circumstances out. I don’t have to fill the silence left behind in another person’s absence. I don’t have to know all the whys and what-ifs. All I have to do is trust. So in quiet humility and without a personal agenda, I make the decision to let God sort it all out. I sit quietly in His presence and simply say, “God, I want Your truth to be the loudest voice in my life. Correct me. Comfort me. Come closer still. And I will trust. God, You are good at being God”⁣

- Lysa TerKeurst⁣

change

i've often heard of change being the only constant. i know this to be true. yet, each time a huge change comes, it hits me in the face. like relentless waves in a tide. i, who claims to know the constant change, am now swept away.

humans like you and me gravitate towards familiarity. what a nice word. synonymous to constants, quite different than change. i marvel at how strong the force of gravity remains - towards the search of what seems familiar. the search of a safe space to be who you truly are. the search of familiar sounds and smells. the search to find warmth in a person's smile.

constantly changing.

changing constantly.

i think, the understanding of leaning into not knowing. to enjoy the process. to never accept fear and insecurities. to live out of peace. overflowing peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the unknown.

change is constant, but peace is too.

2019

happy new year!

So excited for all that is to come this year. 2018 was not the best year but it ended on a good note. Started out 2019 with a trip to see my brother and got to spend the best time with people I love.

So thankful for how 2018 played out to be. Laughed with friends every day. Cried and was frustrated. Celebrated successes and despite it all, one thing that never wavered was the goodness of God to me.

i got one foot in the future, another in the past.

does that mean i am in the present?

why do i keep looking back yet force my feet forward?

too many questions, as to which i have no answers to.

who knows what the future will hold?

"men should learn how to cry, women have to learn how to say no."

i just wanted to say how much the title speaks. i was discussing some trivial matters with some friends and he taught me that it is perfectly normal to say "no" to something. People are people, and they ultimately will get over things (if they do not then lol, grow up right?).

but oh, to live in a society where we do not learn these things enough.

seriously, no one taught me how to say no in school/college/uni.

honestly, this revelation in itself is quite liberating.

recollections of john 11

i was reading John 11 earlier and wow! i have never read it this way before. just as a brief background, Mary (Martha's sister) is the same person who poured expensive perfume on Jesus and wiped it with her hair. i know, so bizarre (especially for those not familiar with the Bible). with the little knowledge i know, the money Mary spent on the bottle of perfume poured out was equal to a year's of wages (estimated). Basically a lot of money. This is also the same sister that sat on Jesus feet and listened. anyway, they have a brother, Lazarus who in this passage has recently passed away due to an illness. so here is my thoughts on it.  

6 So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, 7 and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.”
8 “But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews there tried to stone you, and yet you are going back?”
9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Anyone who walks in the daytime will not stumble, for they see by this world’s light. 10 It is when a person walks at night that they stumble, for they have no light.”
11 After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”
12 His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” 13 Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.
14 So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”
16 Then Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]) said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”

1) Jesus Waited

in my opinion, if people were trying to stone him, whether or not he went earlier or later, wouldn't have mattered. either way, he was risking his life. yet he waited AFTER hearing of Lazurus' illness. he stayed for two whole days. it doesn't add up, i mean, if you had a relative or a dear friend who is severely ill, would you not travel immediately visit him or her? does not add up because if you knew you were going to go to a dangerous place, why not do so urgently.

yet, this is where his ways are higher. he arrived four days after Lazarus passed. Lazarus was really dead at that time, and Jesus had a chance to resurrect the dead. one of the rare cases in the Bible where he did so -- Jesus is so so selective! yet, in his own way and timing, he came through. he restored FULL life into Lazarus. from being fully dead.

doesn't that tell you about God? gosh he never gives up huh? you literally are never too far gone, you can die and he can still chase after you. this eternal pursuit sometimes shifts my perspective to attempt to fathom the depth of his grace. despite the unpopular, snide remarks, Jesus knew that his timing was perfect, he knew that his Father would be greatest then. he listened. he obeyed. only then would he be truly magnified.

2) His disciples doubted him

as people hanging with Jesus you would think one would already understand him? yet the disciples questioned him, this garnered a parable like a response from Jesus. but if you ask me tbh, Jesus was probably sarcastic too at this point. he must be kinda tired of explaining himself to his closest friends huh? i mean, bro, he knew Lazarus died even when there did not have phone lines or the internet. how? only if he is God.

then Thomas of course, the doubter. whom in all honesty, I can relate to him. he is pessimistic and in constant disbelief. though he may be in perfect health, he said in verse 16 to 'we may die with him' to which sounds so morbid. seriously? someone else dies and you speak in such a manner. it is so inappropriate, yet, i find myself being like so. though it may seem different in front of different people, i want to believe in Jesus.

i want to believe in him and not strive, i want to hope that i can move mountains, i want to choose peace over anxiety, i want to be grateful when i am pessimistic.

3) Jesus is deeply moved

38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. 

Jesus wept, the shortest verse in the Bible, is in John 11. It's simplicity, in a two-word sentence, shows how significant it is. this verse catches me off guard as Jesus is depicted as someone who feels so deeply. AGAIN, i relate here, because I feel so deeply. often, i hate it because it makes me weak and vulnerable. it also cripples me from time to time. yet, Jesus was deeply moved by his friend's pain. and it shows how he knows how it is like. he knows the deepest depths of the emotions we put on. and so it showed me, how human he was. 

you know, today listening to John, I never saw Jesus this way. to me, he was a Sovereign power, but somewhat distant sometimes. i know now, that is a TOTAL lie because he is so close to your heart and your troubles. so that whatever life may bring, Jesus is stronger. you are stronger when your strength is found in him.

a loving eye

8
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

it is great that amidst imperfection, Jesus does not demand a servile devotion. rather aptly, he grants free will; unbound by his fervid grace. if you ask me, the tradeoff is anything but cogent. yet Jesus chooses to avail when we call. he demands our all and our anything, in return; we walk alongside him. yet despite our choices that often lean towards ephemeral pleasures and solution; his audacious love never leaves, it never forsakes.

he is not fickle, nor is he capricious

our sins, no matter how small or how big, will not change his mind about me. he still sees me perfectly. how. crazy. is that?

when i am troubled, he sings and surrounds me with songs of deliverance. remember, remember, remember.

7
You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Other songs:

• 10 feet down
• Lie

alt reality

alternate realities. my time in Cambodia, thus far, has taught me so much. truth be told, the bites, the dusty roads, the heat in the markets were bearable. but i was constantly looking forward to the day we would go home; back to 'reality'.

we can happily skip on a plane and return to a rather 'posh' lifestyle of not having to worry of mosquitos. turning on the ac with a single button. playing the piano anytime. little, significant details like constant electricity.

the Singaporeans (who started the school) can just hop on a plane too. so can anyone 'serving' in the area. back to a reality where comfort is abundant and, familial faces are not scarce. back to where one train ride will take you to a pristinely clean restaurant. back to a place of no dusty roads. no dirt. apart from the ones designed to be in gardens or sandboxes of children.

that is when it dawned on me. this is their reality. the people i have come to know and love. their reality is here. in the center. away from family. yet, this is the better 'alternate reality'. they are not so different you know. some aspire to be singers, engineers, and scientists. their hopes and dreams are real. but their reality remains. and yet, they are considered blessed to be where they are.

while the comparison is an unprecedented intention, a comparison is only fortuitous. heck, it is necessary.

i have too much, but too much to complain too. shameful but true. my level of gratitude for what i have around me, where i was brought up; it entails a higher level of gratitude than the one i have for life right now. that needs to change. i cannot believe it took a trip to Cambodia for me to realize this. but the unraveling nature of life is as such. i guess.


excerpt from a journal entry: june 25th, 2018

KL

police beat base/chick's about to drop dat beat

sails

Falling is easy,

but staying in love is hard

Hard to be honest and keep our heart open

To be who we truly are

Without the excuses, without the façade

There's no pretending

Here in Your love

Oh, Lord set me... free

Oh, Lord set me... free

I'm finally seeing You were here all along

Your love wasn't absent, no It doesn't come or go

The image I've had is starting to fail

You're patient with me

You're lifting the veil

Oh, Lord set me... free (set me free)

I let out the sails of my heart

Here I am, here You are

Sails, Pat Barrett

cambodia 2018

I went to Cambodia again! I have been wanting to return for some time now, but have not done so due to summer internships and what not. This year, Jesus remains faithful and I was able to afford two tickets - one for me and my sister. We stayed for a week in the center in Kampung Speu with the children. Most of those whom I've come to know during my time there are possibly graduating and going off. Other than the nasty insect/mosquito bites (honestly left me so paranoid, exhausted and super grateful for home) we had such a sweet time. We got to name all eight puppies, my favorite is Vanilla. Excuse the grunge, messy look, but the week was so sweet. So many of the kids remembered me and my heart was so full. So glad doors were opened this year.

The pictures below are some of those I found from 2014, and how they look today! What a sweet thing to be able to see them become the young man/woman they are today and to see how much they have grown.

___

Chiky

Pitset

Savadi and Srey Pich

Kakada

Check out my 2014 post and the album that has all the pictures of the kids four years ago.

fall

the thought that she has fallen, fallen, and fallen again and again into a deep abyss;

and despite it all His love for her never wavers.

He still chooses her, picks her up, and holds her,

while He tells her it is all going to be okay.

gently.

because one day, this will all make sense,

she chose to believe that with overwhelming anxiety, His grace still abounds.

she knew that the truth always prevails.

she knew that insecurities were lies.

she knew that she was better than this.

she was made for so much more.


-


it is worth it. to fall, and still come back to where one started.

slowly but surely, she too will get back on her two feet.


-

slowly but surely, she will soar with wings like eagles.

she was made to conquer.

and nothing will stop her.

hate

“I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.” 

― Akira Kurosawa

because that's the way that He is
"what will change, is your ability to receive my love"

one

Isaiah 46:9
Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.

this verse reminds us again and again to remember the past. especially the constant, unchanging nature of an unchanging God. the acme of one's faith is to simply reflect, and remember the faithfulness of a good father. this is the pith, the essence of one's faith, especially during the low, and the humdrums in life. remembrance of the former remediates, rather than exacerbates the constant ungratefulness that is engrained in human nature. doubt and worries linger around us like a constant arch of snideful remarks, reminding us of our worthlessness and incapabilities.

it is then when the former things, the goodness of God, and the miracles that brought one to the present should be glorified.

volatile

oil prices are back up again! yay to the market - not sure if I should be upset or happy since gas is so expensive. it is the end of dead week and I've never been so relaxed my whole life. so happy to end junior year with one of the best semesters ever. bear with me here, I have many things on my mind.

known. 

I'm never grateful enough - but today I'm so grateful. the weather is perfect, Norman was safe, the flooding wasn't crazy. above it all, I've never felt so loved my whole life.

I've had people cook for me, ask me if I've eaten (numerous times), made sure that I wasn't hiding whatever was bothering, but most importantly, finding contentment.

I know it is not a big deal, but today I was walking into a study area and my friend who was laying his head on the table and he could literally hear me coming. Like he recognized my footsteps.

insane. To be known like that. Blows my mind to know that the number of hairs on my head are known too. Because I have a father who loves me so! whenever i feel down or upset about my situations - just the thought of knowing that Jesus got me covered. He sees my future. this in itself reassures me. the feeling of being known like that, is surreal. trust me. find a friend who knows your footsteps, then multiply it by a billion.

feels like someone understands you, your simplicity, your complexities, your hopes, your dreams, your disappointments, your capabilities, and your everything. to know that you are known. that in itself allows you to look forward to tomorrow, and tomorrows to come.

wow.

instant gratification.

gosh I don't quite know when to start on this! it's been tugging on my heart for a long time now.  we are so impatient! statistics says that if someone has to wait for 5 minutes on the internet, 90% of users close the tab or move to a different thing. insane right? what is 5 minutes you say?

but what a society we live in that just runs towards momentarily fixes. something that keeps you up for 6 hours. something that numbs the pain. something that lasts for a weekend. temporary. but instant. yet we go back to these temporary fixes - even if it costs our health, money, and is just bad altogether.

why do we settle for temporary fixes? why do we need everything immediately?

we settle for so much less due to our impatience. I cannot deal with a generation that settles for less. people who deserve so much better in life, yet settle for the momentary solution. in the process, they lose themselves, how they value themselves. then their insecurity brings about even more rash decisions that spiral into myriad consequences.

we do not need to lose ourselves, what we value, why we are different for the now. we need to know that the now is not always worthwhile. but how?

how do we slow down. we need to figure this out.

seasons

For the longest time I've been stuck in a season - or unable to differentiate from the seasons I'm in. I've had moments of victory, then I slip back into the fog of mistrust and confusion. Sometimes the cycle lasts longer, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I find myself here.

I've had nothing to do, school wise, all Saturday. Well, I did, but I just refused to study or even clean. Yet -- just the mere fact of not touching a book made me feel horribly guilty. Which I refuse. I need to know how to rest without guilt. But I did not know how.

I know that I find myself here, but most times I doubt why I am experiencing what I go through. If its patience, perseverance, I just really need the strength. Some of my best friends in college have left, or are leaving in less than a month. Yet I am here, stuck with possibly more years of school (If I get into grad school). When these friends leave, I will eventually find myself gawking around finding the right place to feel comfortable, to be myself. To find community all over again, but an authentic, enriching community. People who make me want to be like Jesus every day.

So you see, seasons are hard. First was losing someone so dear to me. Then, having to say some goodbyes. But I will take heart despite it all. In Isaiah 43, Jesus promises to be with me through all seasons. Maybe I won't have the strength, but even when I walk through the fires, I know that He will be with me.

He promised he would.